1565: Me, Myself & My Sanity

I'm enslaved by the moment, I have to let it out of my system.

Suddenly I'm back in time, when a single look at you will make my heart take a free fall in my chest. That was then, and now it's 2011, I live a moment that was taken for granted over a decade ago.

Me: It can't be real!!

Myself: Same looks!

Me: Cloned!

Myself: Same smell!

Me: I can't forget it in a thousand years.

Myself: Same eyes!

Me: Even the eylashes and eyebrows!!

Myself: Same tiny delicate hands!

Me: The exact thin tiny fingers!

Myself: Same smile!

Me: The one that used to light up my world where all is dimmed except for her.

Myself: Same perfume!

My Sanity: This can't be true!!

Me: My sentiment exactly, inexplicable.

Myself: Same haircut!

Me: And the exact same silky hair.

Myself: Same tone of voice!

Me: The mere remembrance of it, silences the world.

My Sanity: What a coincidence!!

Me: Just when I started to doubt myself.

Myself: Doubt what?

Me: That I might be in love with being in love.

Myself: So I was right?

Me: Not even close, to feel the longing avalanche crushing my senses, to feel how I used to feel when I look into her eyes, to experience once more how I used to feel. All that prove to me one thing.

Myself: What thing is that?

Me: That I'm still so much in love with her, that even the mere resemblence of her throws me like a feather into the wind.

Myself: The uncanny resemblance is mind blowing.

My Sanity: You just miss her too much and started to see her in every face. Don't tell me it's the same name?

Me: Irrelevant. She molded me and became the love of my life, there is nobody like her. I can find a million people who has it on the outside but she's the fine one in those millions who has it in the inside.

Myself: You do know that you've chosen to have a life locked in the past?

Me: Why should I be dragged backwards when I can go forward with our memories?!!

Myself: You should thank destiney.

My Sanity: For what?

Myself: For throwing that stranger into his path. It made him feel once more that there is still more love in his heart.

Me: A coincidencee glueing my falling parts along the years. I felt like that person is dissolving with time and I can't be him anymore.

My Sanity: First time you agree on something since she left your life!

Me: I can't think anymore. Reminiscing all those years consumes me.

Myself: How long will the memories journey last?

Me: My answer will expand endlessly as the universe. Those memories are my only way for continuity in this life.

Myself: I'll keep you company and offer you the shoulder to lean on when you stray and can't find you way back to your sanity.

My Sanity: Both of you are heading toward insanity, definitely not me.

1095: Me, Myself & My Sanity

Myself: Are you for real? Years are passing you by and you look at nothing but the past! I hate to repeat myself but you are imprisoning the present in your past and your present has no future!

Me: When my future is colorless and tasteless, and my present is darker than moonless nights and lonelier than loneliness, all I got is my past to look up for a brighter future.

Myself: “Substitute itself becomes more painful than the legitimate suffering it was designed to avoid”

Me: “Deadening ourselves to the pain we can forget the problems that cause pain”

Myself: How many days you've wasted?

Me: None!

Myself: None?

Me: I lived countless days with endless emotions. I wasted none.

Myself: Where are wandering to?

Me: She’s the instruction book imprinted in my heart.

Myself: When will move on?

Me: Not yet!

Myself: What if I tell you she moved on?

Me: So? I’m glad she did and I’m happy she found her path.

Myself: What are you trying to prove?

Me: Nothing!

Myself: Don’t you dare and lie to me.

Me: Can I lie?

Myself: You're pathetic.

Me: Tell me about it, I’m happily pathetic

Myself: I know how you feel!

Me: I know.

Myself: And let me break the news to you.

Me: I don’t think I can stop you!

Myself: It’s everyone’s dream!

Me: What's that?

Myself: Everyone wishes to live the fantasy of the ultimate love story and its getting preposterous with you.

Me: It’s not a fantasy! it’s my life reality. I loved and I lived and now that love is keeping me alive and sane.

My sanity: I’m the absentee landlord, keep me out of it and leave me alone.

Myself: I lost you long time ago.

Me: And I found him lingering in the past and embraced him in my present.

My sanity: I’m losing my sanity!

Myself: I’m lost in translation!

Me: You are answering without me asking the questions!

The Only Certainty is Change

Those are the roads we drove through and those are the places we had been at. Those are which I’ve dreaded to face, to look at how time has shaped them ever since we parted ways. Roads and places that carry our memories. They have us lingering there in the air, longing for one more time to rejuvenate the colors, fill the dried palette and to have us marking them one more time. I’ve always dreaded walking the same roads and where your scent still fills the place and trees still remember our names. But today I found myself driving through a familiar road and heading for a place that is engraved into my memory. I felt your soul floating around and approaching mine. I felt your love heating up my heart and soaking me into memories. 

I looked for everything that carries your touch but places had chosen new faces and roads choose to lead to other destinations, yet I still only see the same destination they used to lead to. They betrayed my memory and had you dissolved within those changes. I hoped that they remain untouched by the years, to relive the same moments, to make life much easier when embracing you again in those memories. But things have changed and the places had misshaped the past and taken you away from my present. You are not here anymore to walk with me and I’m not the same person without you.

Those are the places that surrounded us when we were together and those are the places that surround me when you are gone. And between the places’ birth in our lives to the day I abandoned them, I walk them again deprived from you. Those places are my only physical links to a world I loved, to dreams I had and never saw in reality except in my mind. Roads that used to lead to an open space, now have dead ends. Houses that still carry the smell of innocent times, now are awkwardly shaped. But as I close my eyes and travel in my memories, I still can see your face on every corner and I still hear the places echoing your name. Only if you know how hard it is for me to prevent myself from screaming your name.

When the only certainty is change, then I fear the day my heart dwindles with time and decides to change on me, leaving me facing what I can’t experience. I fear that I might see the end of memories. To lose you twice while I’m left grasping for memories to fill my life, that will be the greatest loss of my life.  My love, I pray that my heart never beats without your name trembling me. I pray that your memories never stop fueling my heart and I pray that change forgets my path and leave me unchanged, untouched and madly in love with you.

Guards Falling Down

 Over the lonely years, my powers to relive our memories fade and at the end they exist intensely only when I’m down and unguarded. The moments when I’m the weakest and the moments when I’m physically exhausted and mentally drained those are the moments when my guards are shattered by longing to you. Those are the moments when my emotional famine screams for you and I hit the grounds. Where empty circles are my roads and shallow lanes are my grounds. Heads over heals is my life and a broken compass is my guide. Your emotions penetrating my veins and pouring your love in my blood stream releasing my imprisoned soul to cause havoc within. Causing the ups and downs, the rise and fall of nonstop longing paralyzing my senses and numbing my mind, My own opium that stirs years of love and unleash the magic within to mist my feelings and senses. Taking me to a detached reality, to another world where our hearts are joined and our eyes locked on each other. The magic of reviving your voice, echoing your laughter and the warmth of your breathe that comforts my soul with the miracle of me being in your arms and you pierce my darkness with your light.

That’s me when I’m drained, can’t walk tall any longer and stillness is my solace in your absence. Have I survived the sudden shrinking of my world, I end up with bitterness in heart and I sometimes cling to my sanity edge and watch my spirit departing me. And that’s my love is my altered sense of perception without you.

What’s with those moments of weakness when I just watch myself fall apart in your absence and struggle to put back the pieces together? You’ve always been the glue that kept me intact. And now when the heart moans for one more touch, one more whisper is when I know that falling will be the only option left for me. Days get tougher and nights get lonelier when I’m deprived from your scents. I crumble in weakness and long for that tenderness that used to wrap me in its warmth. I’ve been too addicted to your fingers running in my hair and your shoulders offering me the shelter that I desperately need. It has always been you, and that my lost love is what still lets me steer away from letting others offer me comfort.

Every time I fall, it takes me longer to recover, and harder to fight back the urge to stay down embracing the soothing warmth of the grounds, when I'm surrounded with nothing but you. Where I summon up my memories and close my eyes as time stands still and all my nostalgia are swallowed in these moments. Melting into the wilderness of my thoughts, watching hope fading into horizon and living and enormous loss that they make me feel so vulnerable and innocuous where I should remain silent and still. 

Only if I can dream at will again, you'll always be there.

Only if I can breathe again, your scent will always be there.

Only if I can hold you again, you'll always be there.

Only if I can live again, you'll always be there.

Only if and only you, that how it goes and that's how it's been and will always be.

My love, your love consumes me and your memories shall inherit me.

Birthday Story 2011

It’s just one more birthday gone, one more candle burnt out longing for you. It’s a different birthday where I dedicate over a decade to you watching years slipping away and your love growing immensely, as people age your memories shine and glow. Memories that turned into an organ attached to me and I can’t detach from them. A life lived while I grow older; a timeless love while I’m standing still and my time is passing me by. I'm grateful for that, the lively reminding moments breathing delight into my world. They make me cherish every day I live allowing me to color my world. Your presence into my life was the miracle and your departure is the mystery, for all I know that your love was my divine gift for which I'm forever thankful.

What’s told is much less than the real event. Everything I see, everything I hear, every single universe momentum screams with your name. Even if I choose to ignore them, they slap me on the face. It’s a birthday where death and life are combined, a birthday where time has chosen a funeral to be the perfect set to test my emotions and fuel my endless longing to you. A time and a place where I see death and life giving birth to each other, to be offered a small taste of what I’ve always dreaded.The day where I saw your resemblance surrounding me, the day where time is amusing itself by placing me in front of your favorite uncle, to look into his eyes and see yours, to grasp for my breaths and find none, to drift with euphoric flooding memories, the day when time froze and my heart welcomed the sweet taste of life in the presence of death.

For the briefest moment I recalled the feeling of being alive and for few minutes I once again experienced what I thought I had forgotten, the feeling of a heartbeat, the once closed drawers of emotions are reopened and swallowing me in their whirlwind. The sudden burning sensation in my bones and the glimpse of your resemblance levitating me into heaven one more time. Out of all places and  out of all the times, I’m facing the person who has your features and the one that his face carries the scent of yours. I’ve always wondered how will my heart endure your overpowering sight and how I’ll manage to stand still when everything in me scream with your name. The minutes with your resemblance sight is worth a life time in my life when the sight of your face lights my world and rejuvenates an aging heart. If the sight of your resemblance hit me with thunders then how shall I vanish in your presence?

I’m in love with you and in love with being in love with you, I’m imprisoned in time where your love outlives my breaths. How generous of you to give me my heart and nourish me with your enormous love, but without you I’m lifeless with missing parts of my heart. What will I do with a life that doesn’t include you? The death of old me is the birth of my new me, how painful was my death giving birth to the distorted new me, I've learned to die but I didn't learn to live.

A day when the kid inside me needs you

It’s one of those days when I hit rock bottom and when the space between the skies and earth fits the needle head, it’s one of those days when the kid inside me screams for your words to calm the waves hitting wilderness inside my soul. When my heaves flame the skies and bring them down turning my universe into smoky vacuum. There is still a kid inside me who I had outgrown as I aged more in your absence, a kid that had been imprisoned inside my flesh refusing to grow without your warmth. A kid deprived from your nurturing touches and your breaths into the soul. A kid that shared all his life mysteries with you, laughed and cried with you, a kid that is desperately in need for you to color his world one more time and instills tranquility into his soul terrains.

It’s one of those days when I wander into my wilderness, you were there comforting me with your voice soothing my body shakes, a softening voice that makes violins weep, and offering me a new sky with stars, moon shining on me and a sun that exposes my demons and vanquishes them. It is in this day when I need you desperately, when I long for your endless emotions to fuel my life and nourish my soul with your tenderness, and now I look around me and find nothing but shadows closing up on me.

It’s one of those days when you used to calm me down, when you knew how to shake my doubts away, when you knew how to soak my tantrums and smoothly wrap me in your confidence. You had your way of sneaking into my sadness and breathing joy into it. And now when you are gone I can’t find my footsteps and can’t lead my way.

You were the constant in my life, the one thing that changes everything with your touch, empty my worries with your words and strengthen me with your trust in me. You were the only force pulling me out of my solitude and offering the lap to crumble within. And now as I face my emptiness without you at my side; I will shun the world and retreat to my solitude waiting for the storms to pass me by and offering condolences for the kid inside me.

It’s one of those days when I lament the day your shines abandoned me and warmed everyone but me. A day where I plea for the memories and the time that had been kind to me by crossing each other paths to revisit my tired heart and offer me the strength and hope I need. A day when the kid dreams about memories in his heart when you bestowed serenity in his soul.

Happy Birthday My Love 2011

I bask in joy thinking of you with delight seeping through the corners of my eyes into a drought heart, the omission of you from my thoughts only makes life intolerable. With every present moment is the repetition of what I've and shared and lived with you, I can only say happy birthday my love.

"Time has marched onward slowly as memories persist,

Years seem as only months; months seem as only days,

It has been so long, yet, seems as yesterday, since I held you in my arms,

An infinitely longer time since I kissed your sweet lips,

Another Fourth of July has passed with explosions in the air,

With my heart still exploding with hauntingly memories of us,

Once long, long ago we were inseparable, passionate lovers

I could not keep my eyes off of you; fearing that you would disappear,

The day which I hold most sacred is upon me, again,

A date which was written in the stars; the day that you were born,

The most beautiful day I have ever known in this life,

That special day the Heavens introduced you into our world,

Not knowing that it would be you that I would fall madly in love with,

And in love with you I had fallen as I had never known love before!

I do not know where you are today nor if you are doing well or not,

I hope that you have found the happiness and life I could not give you,

In this poem I send you all my best wishes and love which lingers in me,

Sending this ode to you telepathically: I know that your soul has received it:

Happy Birthday, my love! No matter how far you are from me;

No matter how long ago last we were together; time and space are meaningless,

Happy Birthday, to you my darling! Wherever you may be,

But today on your special day your spirit is with me, evermore,

Happy Birthday, to you my sweetness! I do not know where you are today,

May the Great Powers of the universe bless you; may they keep you warm,

Happy Birthday, my love! A kiss from my lips to your lips I send you,

The same one we kissed innumerable times when we were one,

Happy Birthday, my love! I am sending to you all the love in my heart,

A great love that has never died for a true love never ever dies,

Happy Birthday, to you my love! I am here alone celebrating my agonies,

Wishes things were another way; wishing your were with me, again, to stay,

Happy Birthday, my love! I remember you on your day with tenderness,

With all the love that still dwells in my heart for you,

Happy Birthday, to you my love! Memories of love abound,

Happy Birthday, to you my darling! I miss you eternally,

Happy Birthday, to you my love! I hope you remember me, today,

Happy Birthday, to you my sweetness! Remembering our great romance,

Happy Birthday, to you my love! Why did I have to lose you?

Happy Birthday, my love! Why have the Heavens punished me so immensely?

Happy Birthday, to you my love! Who knows where you dwell, today?

Happy Birthday, to you my love! Who knows if you are happy or sad, today?

Happy Birthday, my love! I do not know where you are, today?

Happy Birthday, my darling! Do you ever remember me?

Happy Birthday, my love!

Wherever you may be."

"Serenade of Love" by Ricardo Sal LaRosa

Good Night My Love

This is one of those nights when silence provokes your memories, when a memory is no longer a recall of a distant past and I’m willingly swallowed back in time where things made sense and colors were meaningful.

It is a night when my heart doesn’t ask for a sanction to grieve and weep.

It is a night when I calmly surrender to grieve.

It is a night when I sleep knowing that my eyes are in distraught for you and my heart is withering in your absence.

I close my eyes and peacefully taste the grieve in my veins hoping that only dreams will moist a dry heart. 

Good night my love, I cannot turn back the time and cannot get the passed years to rewind,

I'll see you in my dreams tasting like honey and smelling like your wet hair.

I love you my love.

The Anniversary of Lost Love

I’ve spent years trying to fill the void in my life after your departure, I thought that if I kept myself busy then I shall redeem some sanity to go on with my life. Instead I found myself enveloped with nothing but emptiness, the closer I look at my life’s layers I discover how hallow my life has been, how I handicapped myself and how what used to be a choice is now my curse, how lonesome has turned into loneliness and life into soulless ghost. Now I can’t pinpoint anything that made those last few years any significant as my days pass me by unnoticed. Days rub my shoulders once we cross each other paths and numbly I can’t even feel them.

Screams have been growing into my chest into massive waves hitting me repeatedly and with each tide the heart is weakened and a piece is taken for you. I miss you, the nostalgia is crazing me for your voice, and my eyes are in drought for your sight, with yearning so powerful that it defies my existence.

I’m petrified to forget you, to have hazed and confused memories of you, I fear one day I wake up and don’t see you in my dreams vividly and slowly you fade away, what shall I end up with? A total blackness in a bright day! As much as it hurts not to find you here, it nourishes my heart to know that an ancient love is digging deeper into my heart, to hold down the remains of the heart.

You’ve always been the reason for so many changes in me, to be a better man for you, and even when you are gone you still keep shaping me as if it’s the first day ever, I am what I am because of you. Yes I love you and still do and it doesn’t seem to calm or the least that I reach a saturation level. Yes your last words were “We’ve reached a deadlock and there is nothing we can do, go on with your life, you deserve nothing but the best”, I know it was a closure and it was supposed to mark down the end to my story but I can’t eliminate you from my life, yes you’ve given me the permission to grieve and it should be easing the pain as time passes by, but I’ve been numbed ever since that day and turned my senses switch off.

I know I’m wallowing deeply and nothing seems to be to penetrate this sphere that I’ve coated myself with. I’ve been locked into world of grays with the absence of colors from the world except for the places we shared, filled with everlasting yearning for you and preserved the colors only for you, with only endurance to my endless suffering. I love you and I’ll always love you but I don’t know how long my heart can endure your absence, how long I can withhold my breaths and walk soullessly, how long I can mute my screams.

At the heart of my heart is a simple awakening that resonate the deep buried and hidden longing for you, the insurmountable capacity to love you for eternity that keeps shifting my reality to your dimensions knowing that into my wilderness I have solace in your love wrapped in sweet memories. My life is nothing but a collection of our moments that makes the whole journey bearable, you’ve nurtured my heart and I kept living on those memories, memories so intense that I can taste their flavor and waves of turmoil emotions washing up the salty scars of teary heart. Loving you is a life worth living for, the better half of my life is because of you and for you; it’s worth every second of it. I’ve been loved by you; I loved my life through your eyes and lived it for you. Waiting for your memories visits flooding my hours, as I welcome them with open arms.

Daily Reminisces

I’ve tried ignoring my longings and stopped writing them down, what was meant to calm a trembled heart and neutralize my emotional surges ended with an addiction. My tranquilizer for severe longing times turned into having its own appetite for addiction, venting intensified my yearning and the few calm moments are followed by waves of longing. My heart is in desperate need of your love, pouring my heart out hadn’t made me love you any less; you are my own opium and your love sweetens the blood in my veins. I made my peace with myself and accepted that you are gone forever but I failed to turn ahead and fixed my eyes on you trailing memories.

It’s one of those times of the year when your longing invades me with full force, when the mere thought of you takes away my breath and your sweet memories paralyze me as I stagger and linger in memory lane. Fasting is a deprivation practice for the soul, yet despite mastering the senses and controlling the needs, I end up with stronger urges torching my longing to you, it feels like emptying my soul and letting your everlasting love conquering corners of my heart, my need to have you again in my life is multiplied and the desire for your voice heightened. The time of grace passed me by where the heavenly joy rained upon me and filled my heart with serenity. And now the memories convey years of perpetual yearning breaking me down. All those years and I still fail taming my love. I've mastered the art of control except for flames of scattered memories feeding my longing through my heart.

I foolishly tried to neglect your daily memories resurrections, I failed by willingly throwing myself into being consumed by memories. I gather the scattered memories that overcame me and live on then as my years spent already, I’m so much in love with you that I’m losing my strength and sleep. My delighted moments turned into sadness, as much as I love you as matched loneliness and agony fills me, the never ending love doubles the pain. If the heart cries, the tears drips shall pierce the remains of my heart.

Every now then the Flakes of memories shower down and for the briefest moment they travel me to distant days when a smile jumps my face for the sight of your name. That was the feeling before, but lately it’s been a recurring dejavu that keeps indulging me and taking me to the simplest happy things in my life when my world was complete and as beautiful as the sky draws its beauty from glittering stars.

I foolishly thought that I can block my past and live my life, locking the door for any future, and now I embrace the fact that I'll never live those times again and foolishly carry my past to accompany my present. Shackled with inability and denied to see the present although I can foresee the colorless future, my mind foolishly locked me in the past where I thought I could flee loneliness in my heart, if time hasn’t been just to me, then I’ve been willingly unjust to myself as well. Everything reminds me of you and everything starts and ends with you, I escape from you to you. I love you too much, how can I take other chances when I’m blinded by you.

Living with halves, half a heart, half a life, half a mind, half senses and wandering with my shadow as the one who’s alive and not living, where in your love I was alive and now I’m the lurking spirit.