Monday, April 9, 2007

Birthday Story 2007

This is the first birthday ever to pass without you, and first times are always special, they are engraved deep in my wrecked memory and shall always be remembered. Its the birthday where I shall restart the counter. The one that embraces the summary of my years. Its my special birthday that shall change the meaning of my all birthdays.
It’s the first birthday without you, and first times are always priceless and unique, a first birthday, first kiss, first date and so many firsts. It’s the beginning of my birthdays journey. Amazing how the day passed away. It shouldn't have been one of those days where calendar is flipped and the dawn of the next day paints the horizon. Instead, it turned to be the highlight of my birthdays, this is how I shall remember it "The first birthday without you!!"
You are the birthday story and yet other stories revealed themselves. And I shall remember them because they are in my first birthday. Funny, how you made me have multiple first birthdays. Knowing you was my birth certificate, and you are being gone gave me my first birthday without you.
How lucky I am? How many people can witness their first birthday and have stories about it. You made it possible and I love it that you are part of it as you've always been part of everything in my life.
Future birthdays might come and still you are the reference of each one of them. Next ones are just another ticks on my board and whenever I lose the count I'll look back at you and count it right, as you are the only eligible narrator to my birthdays.
It's official, this year's birthday has been marked!! You marked down this year's birthday, but have you noticed the date changing? Have you thought about it? Did it spark any memories? I wonder how you will mark down your first birthday when I'm not there? Still many long nights till its there, but I had to conceive it as many things about you are being conceived.
Will my birthday date be replaced with the new one's? And mine is buried forever? I wonder how your first birthday is going to be? Shall I be frozen in your thoughts? or its going to be his birthday? How is he? How is the new me? How is the replica me? or have I become the replica?
Happy birthday to me as I'm starting to age. And even though I shall not share another birthday with you, laugh with you, cry with you, I shall carry you in my heart.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007


What an irony!!! I've come to realize that I'm living the irony of ironies, the ultimate irony. This was the first thing to cross my mind as my hands reached the pill, a pill to resolve what is turning to be a weak memory. Its so exhausting that my brain chooses to shut down to slow things down. An irony is to have a corrupted memory and still seem that you are the only healthy portion left.

YOU pierced my thoughts and the irony aroused within me. Isn't it already hard enough to soothe your memory waves which seem to be self stimulated and hit me abruptly. Gradually turn to be an essence to life and a constant reminder of anguish and pain, a mixture of sweetness and bitterness. Now with my own choice, I take something that shall dominate you to the top my thoughts stack and nourish your memories.

I had smiled when that idea came across my mind. And what else can I do when I know that I'm destined to carry you in my mind till my brain totally shuts down. It’s an irony that I've been trying to get accustomed to the idea of you being gone, and now with my own will I sacrifice whatever is left in my cells for your memories sake. As if it hasn't been enough!! As if I haven't given enough!! Maybe I shall never have enough!!

Yes, I'm addicted to you and addicted to the old me who used to be your completion as you were and still mine. I'm living with the consequences of my actions and I still choose to live with the consequences of this choice.