Sunday, December 21, 2008

Silppery Road

How can you sleep at night? How can you sleep at night knowing that you’ve wronged someone? How can you sleep at night knowing that you’ve taken what’s rightfully not yours? How can you sleep at night knowing that you’re walking a slippery road?

How is it possible to have the ends justifying the means for every selfish impulse? How is it possible to be guilt free and indulge in peace of mind when the conscience is screaming for life support?

It’s a pivotal moment when someone’s morals are on the stake when all of the sudden all that used to be corner stones for one’s life are measured up the definitive test. I’ve always felt that distinguishing what’s right from wrong and acting accordingly is so simple, but the truth is that taking the wrong path is too tempting to decide on a blink of an eye.
I’ve had a dilemma lately and had to make up my mind alone to see how I will act. I had to test myself and see if I’ll live up to my morals, it was a decision I needed to take it solely fighting a long and exhausting struggle for the past weeks, when I found myself on a shiny shelf with a neat price tag to box my ethics and send them to a forgotten island. I’ve been actually priced! All that I am comes down to this moment to find out how solid my basis are. I knew that I had to go through it alone; I needed to mark my way and engrave my stand.

I confess, it was alluring to take that first step to accept the indecent proposal which had been offered with a fancy name for a conspicuous bribe with myriad of excuses justifying it. It's strange how principles get intertwined as people get older and how elusive the facts are when they are disguised in great sincere intentions, I had to fight the restlessness at night and discomfort breathes because I knew that new doors are being added to my path as I advance, when shutting a door is actually opening a thousand others and I had to choose the right door. I knew what is the right thing to do and what I should be doing, I knew I had too much at the stake and all that I’ve worked hard to achieve probably might be taken away from me and I knew that when an offer comes through my boss, it sends a clear message. I knew, but still it wasn’t easy as I would presume it to be. I knew it is a slippery road with no turning back point and a single step shall be followed with many others. In a path where the sky is the limit I shall crawl with my first step and not much later I shall fly. I knew that one step further to access easy money is actually one step away from my soul and one more piece of me evaporating. I knew that I shall be lost forever and I couldn't forgive myself for that. I don’t want to fail myself; I don’t want to live with a new guilt that starts to eat whatever left of me and I don't want to lose myself.

As crucial the fight as pleasant it did feel when I had done the right thing, when I could sleep at night knowing that I haven’t lost myself, when I clearly stated that I can’t work in fishy environment and it is not me who walks that twisted path. I knew that I did the right thing but I blame myself for not being able to dismiss the idea promptly and it is the guilt that I have to carry with me and endure hoping that next time it shall be easier for me to sleep at night.