Thursday, June 21, 2007

Sudden Aging

Funny how time flies when you are trying to keep up with it, it feels more like a glimpse. I've always knew that this day shall come as a natural sequence of time. Hasn't been anticipating it, but knew that it was coming for sure and I have to deal with it. I've never conceived how would it feel or what words shall come out. I never thought that destiny is going to stuck me in the corner forcing me to relive my story again. To witness it all over again, to enrich my agony, to live it and witness a second version of it.

It feels like yesterday when my sister was more like my kid daughter, it didn't feel long since I used to brush her hair, adjust her clothes and tuck her to bed. But everyone grows old and who used to be a kid turned to be a young woman and young women have a destiny to fulfill.

The moment I got that call, it felt like time has frozen up and made me speechless, I didn't think it's going to happen this soon. Someone is actually proposing to my kid sister!! I've always felt that she is still my kid sister and it was like a sudden revealing moment that she is actually a woman and not a kid anymore!! I knew that day would come and I knew that it is the day that I fulfill my duty to her.

Memories fast rewinding and my brain can't process such input. I've always tried to replace the dad my sisters lost and to be the friend, big brother and father and if necessary the mother. As I hanged up the phone, I felt like I grew really old and reminded me that time isn't standing still, old enough to take the place of a father with a bride daughter. I've lived to see the task destiny chose for me, I've always felt like a father to them, but this incident made me feel way much older in a very strange way. I've never experienced such emotion, it was a strange but a sweet feeling.

As I shock all those ideas of my head and tried to summon up the facts, I saw the ugly face of time once again. I've memorized all its face features and I still carry all the scars of our previous acquaintances. Regardless the fact that I feel she is still too young to handle the responsibility of a family, maybe because I've always been the one who took that task and never imagined her taking it herself. She hasn't finished up her studies yet and the path's end isn't close enough to prepare the gear for another path. I know many do carry on with their studies while maintaining a family, but I can't help it to be petrified that she might not succeed with such burdens.

I've sworn that I shall never let my sisters relive my story again, I shall never let family control those matters, if the heart chooses someone then I shall never break their hearts, it's not like a family legacy that has to be carried by all members. But why have I been chosen to be put in such situation, to be forced into disapproval!! I've always told them that it's totally up to them to choose as long as the groom is decent and qualified and by qualified I ain't setting impossible standards, just good enough to insure a good marriage. Why would this first test be too god damn hard? The groom from another country which makes it so hard for me to accept it, letting her go and live in another country, all alone with no family to turn to in case she needs them and leave her deserted. I've come to know that she is agreeing though I haven't brought up the topic with her yet, trying to procrastinate it till she finishes this year in college. I don't want anything to interrupt her studies. And I know that sooner or later I have to face it.

If I say no, then I shall always live with the guilt of breaking her heart and shall see a rerun of my story in her eyes. What if this crushes her and she ends up hating me, her life and everything else. Am I willing to endure both my pains and hers. Will I break my promise of never standing against their happiness? Neither options shall put my heart on rest.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Unconditional Love

I just can't absorb the idea of conditional love, there isn't such a thing as a conditional love. It just doesn't make sense to me, how can love be conditional in the first place!! It is interesting that some may adopt the concept of "Conditional Love"!!
The nature of love is to be unconditional, to totally fall head over heals, to levitate and fully give and not wait for a return, refunds do not exist, to willingly compromise to keep moving, to ultimately unite and witness each other's lives and to accept each others flaws.
Love is pure and simple, the love of your best friend, the love siblings, the parental love and any form that love may take. We are humans and that is unconditional, there aren't states for conditional feelings, breathes, or even the heart beats. Those are emotions, no one can govern such intangibles, those aren't attitudes or actions that one might cultivate or change it according to circumstances. We do not add attributes to the equation in order to steer it as we wish.
I love you for who you are, for what you resemble, for everything that you are and everything that you do, for yourself. I ain't having conditions to change the way I feel!! I love you and that's it. Love isn't complicated and isn't an object to shape it the way we see fit. What would this world turn to be if we start to apply restrictions to our emotions and specially when it comes to love!!!
Why would someone apply conditions for emotions, I just don't get it. Who was it that brought up the idea of unconditional love as love itself isn't that in its absolute meaning. You do give and you do occasionally get, we change, we evolve and we adapt with our loved ones changes.
We love and we hate, and there are moments when love might seem isn't in its right place, but we don't switch it off or shift it to the other channel. Disagreements may rise but it doesn't effect our true emotions at all, it doesn't mean we should love less turn the knob into another channel. Gray areas do not exist in love, emotions either fall in love category or permanently placed in another segment. Even if the one we love develops new habits and change in attitude, we still love them for what they used to be and guide them back if they ever stray. In our ups and downs we endeavor into one fact that we shall never in any circumstances overlook our emotions.
There are no exceptions and no extreme cases for love to be conditional, it simply loses its ultimate meaning if that is the case. Even if by some miraculous way one might be drained out of love, it just doesn't mean that there are conditions, it simply takes another form and then it resurrects all over again. If it doesn't, then it wasn't love, it was something entirely different.