Sunday, December 21, 2008

Silppery Road

How can you sleep at night? How can you sleep at night knowing that you’ve wronged someone? How can you sleep at night knowing that you’ve taken what’s rightfully not yours? How can you sleep at night knowing that you’re walking a slippery road?

How is it possible to have the ends justifying the means for every selfish impulse? How is it possible to be guilt free and indulge in peace of mind when the conscience is screaming for life support?

It’s a pivotal moment when someone’s morals are on the stake when all of the sudden all that used to be corner stones for one’s life are measured up the definitive test. I’ve always felt that distinguishing what’s right from wrong and acting accordingly is so simple, but the truth is that taking the wrong path is too tempting to decide on a blink of an eye.
I’ve had a dilemma lately and had to make up my mind alone to see how I will act. I had to test myself and see if I’ll live up to my morals, it was a decision I needed to take it solely fighting a long and exhausting struggle for the past weeks, when I found myself on a shiny shelf with a neat price tag to box my ethics and send them to a forgotten island. I’ve been actually priced! All that I am comes down to this moment to find out how solid my basis are. I knew that I had to go through it alone; I needed to mark my way and engrave my stand.

I confess, it was alluring to take that first step to accept the indecent proposal which had been offered with a fancy name for a conspicuous bribe with myriad of excuses justifying it. It's strange how principles get intertwined as people get older and how elusive the facts are when they are disguised in great sincere intentions, I had to fight the restlessness at night and discomfort breathes because I knew that new doors are being added to my path as I advance, when shutting a door is actually opening a thousand others and I had to choose the right door. I knew what is the right thing to do and what I should be doing, I knew I had too much at the stake and all that I’ve worked hard to achieve probably might be taken away from me and I knew that when an offer comes through my boss, it sends a clear message. I knew, but still it wasn’t easy as I would presume it to be. I knew it is a slippery road with no turning back point and a single step shall be followed with many others. In a path where the sky is the limit I shall crawl with my first step and not much later I shall fly. I knew that one step further to access easy money is actually one step away from my soul and one more piece of me evaporating. I knew that I shall be lost forever and I couldn't forgive myself for that. I don’t want to fail myself; I don’t want to live with a new guilt that starts to eat whatever left of me and I don't want to lose myself.

As crucial the fight as pleasant it did feel when I had done the right thing, when I could sleep at night knowing that I haven’t lost myself, when I clearly stated that I can’t work in fishy environment and it is not me who walks that twisted path. I knew that I did the right thing but I blame myself for not being able to dismiss the idea promptly and it is the guilt that I have to carry with me and endure hoping that next time it shall be easier for me to sleep at night.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Birthday Story 2008

I made up my mind to spend this birthday alone. They say that you are not supposed to say what you wish for in your birthday. I wished that this birthday shall pass unnoticed, with no one congratulating me, this way it might be easier to overlook it!! And as time passes, the memory of this birthday without you will start to fade away, and it will remain just a shadow of a wilting day. I didn't want to have other things contributing into making it any harder to let go of this birthday.

I switched off my mobile trying to avoid any messages congratulating me and with my family being away, I felt like everything is going towards my little plan. I figured that being congratulated on the next day may minimize the effects!!

But destiny is hiding something around the corner. As I switched on my mobile the next evening, among some text messages congratulating me there was a text message from a stranger with a simple text "Happy birthday Touché, hope you are doing fine". The first thing that rushed to my mind that it might be YOU!!
My heart started to beat rapidly, I really wished that it turns out to be from the missing part of my heart, the warmth to feed my soul. I've always wished that by some divine intervention you remember it. How ironic, now when you are totally gone and no way to have you back, not for a single whisper or gasp I truly totally wish that you remember my birthday. They say, you can't say what you wish for in your birthday. But I do wish for your voice or anything that says that I haven't been totally forgotten or been scraped from your life. People do love to be remembered and I'm not the exception, I know that I keep hanging to your memories knowing that I can't unscramble the scrambled eggs. I just wanted to be remembered, to be reminded that I once used to have a heart that beats inside me because of you.

You've always been there whether I like it or not, you are part of it. It's just another year, so what's the big deal, everyday is someone's birthday! What makes me so special to certify mine!!! You've moved along, forced or with your will, the bottom line you've moved, so it's my turn to do the same!! But I don't feel like moving along, I don't want to step ahead, I like it this way!!! How do you possibly diminish your life's core!!!

I sent "Thank you, but may I know who is this?" a reply came with a name that was utterly unfamiliar to me!! Who might that be? Someone with that name who happens to know my birthday!! I know none with that name that might possibly know my birthday and actually remember it!!! All I did was typing back "Most appreciated, but forgive my ignorance for not recognizing the name". A reply with "I knew you wouldn't know me, it's ok. Happy birthday again"!!

I dug deep into my memories and the name started to clear into my head, what I was deep down hoping that it might be you my lost love has turned out to be someone who is almost a stranger to me. Someone who somehow remembered my birthday when my soul was yearning for only one person to officially add another year to my calender. And as a courtesy, I looked up the person's birthday to repay the unexpected congratulatory message. And here comes the ultimate surprise, the most unpredictable thing!! The birthday date is well known to me!! From all the 365 days, it happens to be on this particular date!!! None other date than the crucial one!!! The date happens to be our anniversary!! Or what used to be our anniversary!!! 

Funny, how destiny works!! I can see destiny's teeth smirking at me and all I can do is smirking back at it with this ironically ironic birthday!!

Monday, March 31, 2008


There are times, when all you wish for is that you locate the RESET button in your system to have your default settings restored.

There are times, when the waves are too high, when you are fed up with all the ups and downs and your vast world starts to shrink into a small rocked corner. When your energy is drained out of you and everything seems to be going into intertwined paths with full speed. When things that used to be the simple facts of your life are turning into hazed images of a dazed soul.

If such option can be granted, will someone take the leap into having everything wiped out with a chance to start over again? Having to let go of all the memories and experiences? To exterminate soul's corners with all that has been accumulated during the years? I know I've been tempted to have that imaginary button pressed.

Will it be really worth it?
Fact: many memories shall wither as days go by, no matter what's their nature and regardless of their vital importance. And eventually many things which are stacked deep down and chained to a bottomless subconscious, may never surface again. Memories that you try to keep them floating the surface all the time and try too hard to be truthful and sincere to them, the majority of them are distended to gradually fade away.

I'll hold on to those memories and shadow them with each breathe. This is all that has left and all that matters when I look back at my past years. That's what makes my life A life, and as long there are breathes inflating my chest then I shall live it to the most while having you in my heart as each blood pump nurtures your memories and rejuvenate fading ones.

Our lives are rich with enormous resources of happiness, but sometimes we mislead ourselves into believing that by focusing on all that has gone wrong, it shall provide us with the motivation to face the challenges. And by feeding on our experiences’ nectar we’ll avoid our mistakes to fulfill our pledge by benefiting from such experience.
But there is a fine and invisible line that we may overlook, when we place ourselves into our handmade entrapment by dwelling for too long trying to comprehend our past, turning ourselves into our own guards of our prison. Chained to life’s fluctuations, we soon will start suffocating for a bright day that we prevent it from ever happening while locking ourselves into the past.
When we choose to focus on what makes us happy, a shift occurs in the fabric of our existence. Finding something to be happy about every single day can help this shift sets a foot deeper and puts our souls into balance, when we can see that being alive is truly a gift to be savored. And there is always something we can be happy for; it is simply up to us to identify.
On one day, we may find happiness in a momentous, life-changing event such as a marriage or a birth of a child. On another day, the happiness we experience may be a product of our appreciation of a particularly well-brewed cup of a coffee or the way the sun lays its rays on our skin on a breezy morning. If we discover that we literally cannot call a single joyful element to existence, we should examine the cause of such block state standing between us and experiencing happiness. We should catalog happiness unfolding all around us and realize that joy has myriad opportunities to manifest itself into our lives.

Happiness may not always be recognized easily with our lives. Most likely, we have been conditioned to believe that the proper response to unmet expectations is to wallow into sadness, anger, guilt, or fear. To make joy a stapled event in our existence, we must first accept that it is within our power to choose happiness on every single day. Then, each time we discover a source of happiness, the notion that the world is a happy place will pave its way deeper into our hearts. Today, find one thing to be happy about and let it fill your heart.
My dear friend, I am happy for ever having the chance to live my life as it is, to ever fall immensely in love with her, to have the lightning striking my heart, to carve those memories into my soul, to have you as my friend and to let you know that I’m happy despite everything that might shed gloomy shadows on me.
Do you remember when you said that "Someone should watch About Schmidt only when he feels that he is happy when he shouldn't be"? Well, today it's my turn to tell to flip the coin and watch As Good As It Gets and be happy for the mere fact of feeling happy.

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Inheritance of Blame

I do not comment on political topics and this post isn't one, it relates more to the human side effects of a political situation.
The current situation is boiling and patriotism is the new hot topic of the week. Amazing how diverse hot topics we have in comparison to our small population and relatively minor accomplishments.
Though the treason accusations are being thrown like there is no tomorrow and regardless of the validations and reasons for such demeaning acts, many actions have been suggested to set an example for whomever steps on our unity. Among those actions, is the demand to drop the Kuwaiti nationality from the infamous MPs.
We have all the right to be patriots, to protect years of accumulated gains and to prevent anything that may penetrate our united country. But as per Kuwaiti Nationality law, children are being granted the Kuwaiti nationality by inheritance from their father. So if we ask the government to drop Kuwaiti nationalities then we are actually taking away their kids nationality and producing a new breed of non Kuwaitis which had nothing to do with their parents acts. I've skimmed the newspapers and failed to notice anything related to the consequences of any of the suggested demands.
I know the situation is severe but don’t those kids deserve a pause to think about them and to protect them and their rights from the consequences of such demands. We are bursting and it seems that we are growing less and less rational lately. Are we allowed to force them to seek a new home, a new identity and a new nationality when the only place they know is Kuwait?
We inherit the genes, the debts and the family name, but we do not inherit the consequences of our parents’ actions and their believes. I know some may argue that those seeds are corrupted and shall result with nothing but corrupted plants. And those kids are probably brain washed and totally soaked with their parents’ thoughts and ideologies. But are we allowed to play God and destroy their lives? to leave them wandering with no future and no purpose?
I couldn’t care less for the MPs as they shall reap what they sow, but if we are asking to drop the Kuwaiti nationality from them for the best interest of our country then let us take the necessary lawful preventions for the sake of those innocent kids who are blamed for nothing but being born with such parents.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Happy Birthday My Love 2008

It’s your birthday; I've never forgotten it and never will.
I wonder what’s your birthday story going to be like? Who are you going to share it with and who will tease you that you’ve grown one more year older.
Words are eluding me when there are so many things I want to say. I miss you, I love you and I hope you are happy wherever you are.
You are gone and here I am, fulfilling my promise to celebrate your birthday. You’ve never left my thoughts and have been shadowing my breathes. As you blow your candles, my heart will embrace that split second and wish you a happy long life.

I wish that you're being compensated for your sad life which was nothing but a disaster zone.

I wish your smile never departs your lips with a real satisfaction with life.

I wish that your road leads you to flourishing ends.

Monday, January 21, 2008

My Weakness

Mistake after mistake, disappointment after disappointment and everything seems to be draining me with one thing and one thing only, my weakness.
There are certain things you cannot share and vent to anyone, not because they are pieces of secrets that may cause inevitable damage, because they are simply unspoken words about your untouched fragile core. Those little things that define you and you don't talk about but rather being grasped through years of knowing you. That sacred sphere of emotions, the disguise of weakness that paralyze the brain cells, the things which are kept unwrapped and hidden as natural spontaneous defense tactic.
Taking advantage of your weakness hurts the most when it is being done by those who you care about the most, when you know that no matter what they do, you shall not resent them. If your weak point is that you forgive those who you love no matter what and always find an excuse for whatever action that hurts you which shall be will be written off and forgotten. It just hurts tremendously when they take your forgiveness for granted, when they know the secret reset button in your system.

Every single one has a weak point which shatters all the toughness apart to the point that nothing is held back anymore. I don't detest my weakness, It is my motivation and what defines me, what makes who I am. Many try to hide their weakness by camouflaging the appearances but sooner or later the mask falls down and that shield is penetrated by those who knows you the best and what a magnificent feeling it is to have an oasis for your fears and a well for your emotions where you spell them with the least care of the world. But as life evolves, the scene progresses and the prestige is unfolded for the wrong hands. It's not a matter of mistrust, it's taking advantage of my weakness to serve their benefits. I guess many of us has done it when we were kids and had tried to take advantage of our parents love to stay an extra hour late or to have an extra candy bar. But with grown ups is it inexplicable to keep pressing that hidden button to reach their goals, optimizing their gains and exposing my vulnerability. To persist in cutting my roots and leaving me to wither, to self patch my wounds and lick my pains away, to rebuild what has been ruined by their own doings.

Why do they do it and keep doing it, even when I emphasize on the fact that taking advantage of it shall cause catastrophic results and they will be permanently exterminated from my life. The only explanations that makes sense of repeated hits is that they know that they have their forgiveness in advance, that my flames shall leave my heart aching with the burnt ashes condensing the pain and clotting my heart.

My heart can't simply afford more losses, as each loss dissolves part of it and all I'm left with is a small part that barely holds me back from collapsing and preserving me from turning into a rusty machine. I cannot afford losing the remaining of it. It hurts too much and I can't bear the idea of stepping on my heart and watching it fading away. Nothing will revive the dead parts of me and I shall take a deep look into their eyes screaming WHY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME? Haven't you done enough!! Haven't I Given enough?!

I know that my heart is extremely brittle with those I love and my forgiveness is granted. And I shall live with my curse as each pound smashes the heart to the point that a heartbeat is merely for pumping blood into my weak veins.
Just hand me that piece of my heart and set me free. I've lost too much too early and what's remaining is barely enough for the journey to come.