Sunday, January 27, 2008

Happy Birthday My Love 2008

It’s your birthday; I've never forgotten it and never will.
I wonder what’s your birthday story going to be like? Who are you going to share it with and who will tease you that you’ve grown one more year older.
Words are eluding me when there are so many things I want to say. I miss you, I love you and I hope you are happy wherever you are.
You are gone and here I am, fulfilling my promise to celebrate your birthday. You’ve never left my thoughts and have been shadowing my breathes. As you blow your candles, my heart will embrace that split second and wish you a happy long life.

I wish that you're being compensated for your sad life which was nothing but a disaster zone.

I wish your smile never departs your lips with a real satisfaction with life.

I wish that your road leads you to flourishing ends.

Monday, January 21, 2008

My Weakness

Mistake after mistake, disappointment after disappointment and everything seems to be draining me with one thing and one thing only, my weakness.
There are certain things you cannot share and vent to anyone, not because they are pieces of secrets that may cause inevitable damage, because they are simply unspoken words about your untouched fragile core. Those little things that define you and you don't talk about but rather being grasped through years of knowing you. That sacred sphere of emotions, the disguise of weakness that paralyze the brain cells, the things which are kept unwrapped and hidden as natural spontaneous defense tactic.
Taking advantage of your weakness hurts the most when it is being done by those who you care about the most, when you know that no matter what they do, you shall not resent them. If your weak point is that you forgive those who you love no matter what and always find an excuse for whatever action that hurts you which shall be will be written off and forgotten. It just hurts tremendously when they take your forgiveness for granted, when they know the secret reset button in your system.

Every single one has a weak point which shatters all the toughness apart to the point that nothing is held back anymore. I don't detest my weakness, It is my motivation and what defines me, what makes who I am. Many try to hide their weakness by camouflaging the appearances but sooner or later the mask falls down and that shield is penetrated by those who knows you the best and what a magnificent feeling it is to have an oasis for your fears and a well for your emotions where you spell them with the least care of the world. But as life evolves, the scene progresses and the prestige is unfolded for the wrong hands. It's not a matter of mistrust, it's taking advantage of my weakness to serve their benefits. I guess many of us has done it when we were kids and had tried to take advantage of our parents love to stay an extra hour late or to have an extra candy bar. But with grown ups is it inexplicable to keep pressing that hidden button to reach their goals, optimizing their gains and exposing my vulnerability. To persist in cutting my roots and leaving me to wither, to self patch my wounds and lick my pains away, to rebuild what has been ruined by their own doings.

Why do they do it and keep doing it, even when I emphasize on the fact that taking advantage of it shall cause catastrophic results and they will be permanently exterminated from my life. The only explanations that makes sense of repeated hits is that they know that they have their forgiveness in advance, that my flames shall leave my heart aching with the burnt ashes condensing the pain and clotting my heart.

My heart can't simply afford more losses, as each loss dissolves part of it and all I'm left with is a small part that barely holds me back from collapsing and preserving me from turning into a rusty machine. I cannot afford losing the remaining of it. It hurts too much and I can't bear the idea of stepping on my heart and watching it fading away. Nothing will revive the dead parts of me and I shall take a deep look into their eyes screaming WHY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME? Haven't you done enough!! Haven't I Given enough?!

I know that my heart is extremely brittle with those I love and my forgiveness is granted. And I shall live with my curse as each pound smashes the heart to the point that a heartbeat is merely for pumping blood into my weak veins.
Just hand me that piece of my heart and set me free. I've lost too much too early and what's remaining is barely enough for the journey to come.