Thursday, December 23, 2010

Good Night My Love

This is one of those nights when silence provokes your memories, when a memory is no longer a recall of a distant past and I’m willingly swallowed back in time where things made sense and colors were meaningful.

It is a night when my heart doesn’t ask for a sanction to grieve and weep.

It is a night when I calmly surrender to grieve.

It is a night when I sleep knowing that my eyes are in distraught for you and my heart is withering in your absence.

I close my eyes and peacefully taste the grieve in my veins hoping that only dreams will moist a dry heart. 

Good night my love, I cannot turn back the time and cannot get the passed years to rewind,

I'll see you in my dreams tasting like honey and smelling like your wet hair.

I love you my love.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Anniversary of Lost Love

I’ve spent years trying to fill the void in my life after your departure, I thought that if I kept myself busy then I shall redeem some sanity to go on with my life. Instead I found myself enveloped with nothing but emptiness, the closer I look at my life’s layers I discover how hallow my life has been, how I handicapped myself and how what used to be a choice is now my curse, how lonesome has turned into loneliness and life into soulless ghost. Now I can’t pinpoint anything that made those last few years any significant as my days pass me by unnoticed. Days rub my shoulders once we cross each other paths and numbly I can’t even feel them.
Screams have been growing into my chest into massive waves hitting me repeatedly and with each tide the heart is weakened and a piece is taken for you. I miss you, the nostalgia is crazing me for your voice, and my eyes are in drought for your sight, with yearning so powerful that it defies my existence.
I’m petrified to forget you, to have hazed and confused memories of you, I fear one day I wake up and don’t see you in my dreams vividly and slowly you fade away, what shall I end up with? A total blackness in a bright day! As much as it hurts not to find you here, it nourishes my heart to know that an ancient love is digging deeper into my heart, to hold down the remains of the heart.
You’ve always been the reason for so many changes in me, to be a better man for you, and even when you are gone you still keep shaping me as if it’s the first day ever, I am what I am because of you. Yes I love you and still do and it doesn’t seem to calm or the least that I reach a saturation level. Yes your last words were “We’ve reached a deadlock and there is nothing we can do, go on with your life, you deserve nothing but the best”, I know it was a closure and it was supposed to mark down the end to my story but I can’t eliminate you from my life, yes you’ve given me the permission to grieve and it should be easing the pain as time passes by, but I’ve been numbed ever since that day and turned my senses switch off.
I know I’m wallowing deeply and nothing seems to be to penetrate this sphere that I’ve coated myself with. I’ve been locked into world of grays with the absence of colors from the world except for the places we shared, filled with everlasting yearning for you and preserved the colors only for you, with only endurance to my endless suffering. I love you and I’ll always love you but I don’t know how long my heart can endure your absence, how long I can withhold my breaths and walk soullessly, how long I can mute my screams.
At the heart of my heart is a simple awakening that resonate the deep buried and hidden longing for you, the insurmountable capacity to love you for eternity that keeps shifting my reality to your dimensions knowing that into my wilderness I have solace in your love wrapped in sweet memories. My life is nothing but a collection of our moments that makes the whole journey bearable, you’ve nurtured my heart and I kept living on those memories, memories so intense that I can taste their flavor and waves of turmoil emotions washing up the salty scars of teary heart. Loving you is a life worth living for, the better half of my life is because of you and for you; it’s worth every second of it. I’ve been loved by you; I loved my life through your eyes and lived it for you. Waiting for your memories visits flooding my hours, as I welcome them with open arms.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Daily Reminisces

I’ve tried ignoring my longings and stopped writing them down, what was meant to calm a trembled heart and neutralize my emotional surges ended with an addiction. My tranquilizer for severe longing times turned into having its own appetite for addiction, venting intensified my yearning and the few calm moments are followed by waves of longing. My heart is in desperate need of your love, pouring my heart out hadn’t made me love you any less; you are my own opium and your love sweetens the blood in my veins. I made my peace with myself and accepted that you are gone forever but I failed to turn ahead and fixed my eyes on you trailing memories.

It’s one of those times of the year when your longing invades me with full force, when the mere thought of you takes away my breath and your sweet memories paralyze me as I stagger and linger in memory lane. Fasting is a deprivation practice for the soul, yet despite mastering the senses and controlling the needs, I end up with stronger urges torching my longing to you, it feels like emptying my soul and letting your everlasting love conquering corners of my heart, my need to have you again in my life is multiplied and the desire for your voice heightened. The time of grace passed me by where the heavenly joy rained upon me and filled my heart with serenity. And now the memories convey years of perpetual yearning breaking me down. All those years and I still fail taming my love. I've mastered the art of control except for flames of scattered memories feeding my longing through my heart.

I foolishly tried to neglect your daily memories resurrections, I failed by willingly throwing myself into being consumed by memories. I gather the scattered memories that overcame me and live on then as my years spent already, I’m so much in love with you that I’m losing my strength and sleep. My delighted moments turned into sadness, as much as I love you as matched loneliness and agony fills me, the never ending love doubles the pain. If the heart cries, the tears drips shall pierce the remains of my heart.

Every now then the Flakes of memories shower down and for the briefest moment they travel me to distant days when a smile jumps my face for the sight of your name. That was the feeling before, but lately it’s been a recurring dejavu that keeps indulging me and taking me to the simplest happy things in my life when my world was complete and as beautiful as the sky draws its beauty from glittering stars.

I foolishly thought that I can block my past and live my life, locking the door for any future, and now I embrace the fact that I'll never live those times again and foolishly carry my past to accompany my present. Shackled with inability and denied to see the present although I can foresee the colorless future, my mind foolishly locked me in the past where I thought I could flee loneliness in my heart, if time hasn’t been just to me, then I’ve been willingly unjust to myself as well. Everything reminds me of you and everything starts and ends with you, I escape from you to you. I love you too much, how can I take other chances when I’m blinded by you.

Living with halves, half a heart, half a life, half a mind, half senses and wandering with my shadow as the one who’s alive and not living, where in your love I was alive and now I’m the lurking spirit.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Happy Birthday My Love 2010

Years are passing by and yet this day is my highlight every year, it’s a day like no other in my calendar, the day when I celebrate you when I used to whisper my wishes into your ears. It’s the day that carries soft winds rocking memories in their cradle, and evoking waves of longing to a life that had passed me by with nothing but blank pages that all I’m left with. In this day your memories color the remaining days of the year and even though I’m not there to celebrate your birthday with you, my heart is basking in joy for you, my heart is with you.

I’ve always wondered, how years have been treating you? How gently they've touched your face? And today I found out that you’ve been blessed with motherhood. I’ve been anticipating this day for the last few years and now I’m overwhelmed with rapid flow of memories flooding me, the dream that I've shared with you and to witness the dream that I’ve always wished for is breathtaking, I dreamed of every detail and yet the reality surpasses my imagination. The true happiness in your eyes, the scintillating glow on your face, the loveliest baby bump and the most sparkling smile illuminating your face are tingling my heart with rapture and shaking me with indescribable emotions, it’s in image that will never part me, an image I've always wished to be part of it.

It’s the moment that I would have dearly sacrificed anything to share it with you, to witness your ultimate dream, to know that you’ve had your wish come true. I can hear your laughs and I can feel your joy, had I been there I would’ve showered you with my love.

I knew you were long gone and eventually you’ll be a mother. I’ve often wondered how would your baby look like? Is he as adorable is you? Does he look like you? What did you name him? I know for a fact what a great mother you’ll be, you’ve always been the best with kids and I know how lucky he is to have you as a mother.

I’ve always imagined this moment and the mere thought of it makes my heart skips a beat, but why do tears moist my eyes with intricate emotions that I can’t even comprehend? Why does the sadness creep in and dilute my happiness? Why do I have trouble breathing? Why do I feel life is motionless? Why do I feel entirely paralyzed? Why do I feel that I’ve aged decades in seconds? Why does it feel like the first day we parted? Why do I feel lost in the darkness? Why does my happiness conceal bitterness?
Is it that I’ve always imagined myself as the father of your baby? It is the envious to the father of your child? Is it that I’ll never be the father of your child? Is it the vanished hope? Or is it the crushed dream of being the father of your child

Why does it feel like when we decided to be friends and I ended up miserably? When we thought it will prepare us to deal with the inevitable, when I thought seeing you getting married and happy will vanquish my lost love, when my heart got torn off and ripped to pieces knowing that I’m the living dead and nothing will ever prepare me for my soul departure. I knew you’ll be a mother and contemplated everything but yet I cannot help to taste the bitterness with my joy to witness your dream.

In this year I celebrate you my love and your new born love, the love that had journeyed me far beyond the unknown to a world that I imagined myself wrapped in your arms. In this year I thank you as ever for the joy within me and I thank God for allowing me to see you blessed with the sweetest fruit derived from your gentle seed,
I'll blow a candle knowing that an angel is born and shining your life. Happy birthday to the greatest tale ever told, to the loveliest mother and the final note in the sweetest symphony ever composed, happy birthday my love.