Monday, April 27, 2009

Birthday Story 2009

This birthday is all about you, I can't help it but to think of you, maybe it's my immense need to your shoulder or a love that thrives everyday. I couldn’t resist a persistent feeling that you are happy; I could smell your scent haunting me and your happiness filling the air. I needed to know, I had to know, you mean the world to me and your happiness nourishes my heart. I needed to know that even if I'm not there you are doing fine, it's strange that the only way to spill my heart out is the web and yet it's the way to get your news.

I haven’t had a real complete happiness since we’ve parted ways; nothing brings true immense happiness when I’m not sharing it with you. Thank you for this almost forgotten feeling of happiness, reading your name with your promotion is my ultimate birthday gift filling my heart with tremendous rapture, finally the long waited birthday fueling my life and restoring the feeling of complete happiness.

I feel more alive than ever with your love nourishing my heart, I love you, there are so many things that I want to tell you, a momentous desire to hear your voice chanting my ears. I’ve had so much love in my life and you’ve flooded me with your love to nourish the fading stars, and when you are gone I’ve felt the shallowness of my existence and emptiness of this universe. You’ve given me a perpetual love surpassing my heartbeats. I’ve always loved you and I’ll always will and for that I dedicate this birthday to you. As I witness the near end of a decade, I know you had the ultimate share of it and no one deserves it but you, you were my gift from heaven and divine gifts don’t happen twice in a lifetime, this is the birthday where I celebrate you my love.

I’ll always be thankful for you, I never thanked you enough, and now when you are away and our ways may never cross I feel more thankful for everything you’ve ever done and still do. I love you for the care you gave me, for the love I basked in, for the warmth you showered me, for the shoulder you offered me, for the heart you included me in, for what you are, what you did and for what you still do, I dare to say that you’ve always been my source of happiness and still are. "Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take but by the number of times your breath is taken away” and today I'm breathless.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Pain Deprivation

No sigh can outcry a trembled heart stormed with everlasting coldness, the greatest pain of all is never being able to feel anymore, the numbness that feeds itself onto my heart left me emotionally paralyzed. The agony of leading an apathetic life with revolting senses of a hollow heart.

I know that I’ve walked through roads where I had to resent parts of my heart, where I’ve tried to hold on to them but I was forced to let them go protecting myself from further pains.
I know at certain times I had to deal with distant love and I chose to live on the remains of those days.

As silly as it sounds I’ve always thought that living without my love is excruciating but possible, and I’ve always knew that blocking out emotions and shunning love to preserve an old one while refusing to let go can yield to scary outcomes. I’ve always knew that there is no prosthetic for missing pieces in my heart.

Yet I chose to go all the way basking in an old refreshing love and allowing time to heal my wounds. Yet I chose to divert my emotions towards those who I care about to maintain my sanity and have some sort of balance of my emotions and fulfill my emotional needs.

But I knew deep inside me that I’m treading on a thin slice of ice, I knew that I can’t keep reviving my heart by constant giving. I knew I’m drifting away from what my heart is meant to be by trying to change it and have it re-programmed by my wishes.

How will it be in years to come if my journey kept going on its direction? All I'm doing is creating an imbalance by channeling emotions to those I care about over a love relationship and a defected heart, creating a skewed scale, pouring all my feelings into a zone of my choosing to have one side full with the other is totally empty. And as time goes by this shall be the new shape of my heart with no turning back as the weight won't let me balance it back.

Now as days passed by, I look inside my heart and I find nothing but silence and emptiness, I know that I’ve consumed my tank and drained my heart of any feelings, I watch myself tuning into an emotionless person, losing any empathy or sympathy and imprisoned inside a cold stoned heart and each day the walls are getting higher.

I’ve lost the ability to feel any pain and yet it’s painful not feel anymore. I’ve lost the gift of pain and now I’m deprived from pain and peace in my heart.
What an awful life when you feel nothing at all.