Monday, August 30, 2010

Daily Reminisces

I’ve tried ignoring my longings and stopped writing them down, what was meant to calm a trembled heart and neutralize my emotional surges ended with an addiction. My tranquilizer for severe longing times turned into having its own appetite for addiction, venting intensified my yearning and the few calm moments are followed by waves of longing. My heart is in desperate need of your love, pouring my heart out hadn’t made me love you any less; you are my own opium and your love sweetens the blood in my veins. I made my peace with myself and accepted that you are gone forever but I failed to turn ahead and fixed my eyes on you trailing memories.

It’s one of those times of the year when your longing invades me with full force, when the mere thought of you takes away my breath and your sweet memories paralyze me as I stagger and linger in memory lane. Fasting is a deprivation practice for the soul, yet despite mastering the senses and controlling the needs, I end up with stronger urges torching my longing to you, it feels like emptying my soul and letting your everlasting love conquering corners of my heart, my need to have you again in my life is multiplied and the desire for your voice heightened. The time of grace passed me by where the heavenly joy rained upon me and filled my heart with serenity. And now the memories convey years of perpetual yearning breaking me down. All those years and I still fail taming my love. I've mastered the art of control except for flames of scattered memories feeding my longing through my heart.

I foolishly tried to neglect your daily memories resurrections, I failed by willingly throwing myself into being consumed by memories. I gather the scattered memories that overcame me and live on then as my years spent already, I’m so much in love with you that I’m losing my strength and sleep. My delighted moments turned into sadness, as much as I love you as matched loneliness and agony fills me, the never ending love doubles the pain. If the heart cries, the tears drips shall pierce the remains of my heart.

Every now then the Flakes of memories shower down and for the briefest moment they travel me to distant days when a smile jumps my face for the sight of your name. That was the feeling before, but lately it’s been a recurring dejavu that keeps indulging me and taking me to the simplest happy things in my life when my world was complete and as beautiful as the sky draws its beauty from glittering stars.

I foolishly thought that I can block my past and live my life, locking the door for any future, and now I embrace the fact that I'll never live those times again and foolishly carry my past to accompany my present. Shackled with inability and denied to see the present although I can foresee the colorless future, my mind foolishly locked me in the past where I thought I could flee loneliness in my heart, if time hasn’t been just to me, then I’ve been willingly unjust to myself as well. Everything reminds me of you and everything starts and ends with you, I escape from you to you. I love you too much, how can I take other chances when I’m blinded by you.

Living with halves, half a heart, half a life, half a mind, half senses and wandering with my shadow as the one who’s alive and not living, where in your love I was alive and now I’m the lurking spirit.