Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Only Certainty is Change

Those are the roads we drove through and those are the places we had been at. Those are which I’ve dreaded to face, to look at how time has shaped them ever since we parted ways. Roads and places that carry our memories. They have us lingering there in the air, longing for one more time to rejuvenate the colors, fill the dried palette and to have us marking them one more time. I’ve always dreaded walking the same roads and where your scent still fills the place and trees still remember our names. But today I found myself driving through a familiar road and heading for a place that is engraved into my memory. I felt your soul floating around and approaching mine. I felt your love heating up my heart and soaking me into memories. 

I looked for everything that carries your touch but places had chosen new faces and roads choose to lead to other destinations, yet I still only see the same destination they used to lead to. They betrayed my memory and had you dissolved within those changes. I hoped that they remain untouched by the years, to relive the same moments, to make life much easier when embracing you again in those memories. But things have changed and the places had misshaped the past and taken you away from my present. You are not here anymore to walk with me and I’m not the same person without you.

Those are the places that surrounded us when we were together and those are the places that surround me when you are gone. And between the places’ birth in our lives to the day I abandoned them, I walk them again deprived from you. Those places are my only physical links to a world I loved, to dreams I had and never saw in reality except in my mind. Roads that used to lead to an open space, now have dead ends. Houses that still carry the smell of innocent times, now are awkwardly shaped. But as I close my eyes and travel in my memories, I still can see your face on every corner and I still hear the places echoing your name. Only if you know how hard it is for me to prevent myself from screaming your name.

When the only certainty is change, then I fear the day my heart dwindles with time and decides to change on me, leaving me facing what I can’t experience. I fear that I might see the end of memories. To lose you twice while I’m left grasping for memories to fill my life, that will be the greatest loss of my life.  My love, I pray that my heart never beats without your name trembling me. I pray that your memories never stop fueling my heart and I pray that change forgets my path and leave me unchanged, untouched and madly in love with you.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Guards Falling Down

 Over the lonely years, my powers to relive our memories fade and at the end they exist intensely only when I’m down and unguarded. The moments when I’m the weakest and the moments when I’m physically exhausted and mentally drained those are the moments when my guards are shattered by longing to you. Those are the moments when my emotional famine screams for you and I hit the grounds. Where empty circles are my roads and shallow lanes are my grounds. Heads over heals is my life and a broken compass is my guide. Your emotions penetrating my veins and pouring your love in my blood stream releasing my imprisoned soul to cause havoc within. Causing the ups and downs, the rise and fall of nonstop longing paralyzing my senses and numbing my mind, My own opium that stirs years of love and unleash the magic within to mist my feelings and senses. Taking me to a detached reality, to another world where our hearts are joined and our eyes locked on each other. The magic of reviving your voice, echoing your laughter and the warmth of your breathe that comforts my soul with the miracle of me being in your arms and you pierce my darkness with your light.

That’s me when I’m drained, can’t walk tall any longer and stillness is my solace in your absence. Have I survived the sudden shrinking of my world, I end up with bitterness in heart and I sometimes cling to my sanity edge and watch my spirit departing me. And that’s my love is my altered sense of perception without you.

What’s with those moments of weakness when I just watch myself fall apart in your absence and struggle to put back the pieces together? You’ve always been the glue that kept me intact. And now when the heart moans for one more touch, one more whisper is when I know that falling will be the only option left for me. Days get tougher and nights get lonelier when I’m deprived from your scents. I crumble in weakness and long for that tenderness that used to wrap me in its warmth. I’ve been too addicted to your fingers running in my hair and your shoulders offering me the shelter that I desperately need. It has always been you, and that my lost love is what still lets me steer away from letting others offer me comfort.

Every time I fall, it takes me longer to recover, and harder to fight back the urge to stay down embracing the soothing warmth of the grounds, when I'm surrounded with nothing but you. Where I summon up my memories and close my eyes as time stands still and all my nostalgia are swallowed in these moments. Melting into the wilderness of my thoughts, watching hope fading into horizon and living and enormous loss that they make me feel so vulnerable and innocuous where I should remain silent and still. 

Only if I can dream at will again, you'll always be there.
Only if I can breathe again, your scent will always be there.
Only if I can hold you again, you'll always be there.
Only if I can live again, you'll always be there.
Only if and only you, that how it goes and that's how it's been and will always be.

My love, your love consumes me and your memories shall inherit me.