Saturday, December 29, 2007

Kuwaiti's Newlyweds Tactics

Disclaimer: The post is based on actual conversations and doesn't necessary reflects my opinion.

The following is a result of repetitive conversations between any guy who's planning to get married (traditionally) and a group of married guys with the guidelines of dealing with a new marriage as proposed and extracted from their experience. It's a controversial topic to tackle and married guys are the only ones who are entitled to apprehend it accurately.

Married guys tend to advice bachelors who plan to get married by providing them with a set of rules and tactics.

As shockingly and provocative as it might sound to many (specially girls) the first rule is to assume that the girl is naive no matter how educated and intellectual she is. There are exceptions, but better be safe than sorry by assuming that and dealing accordingly.

To make it clearer. No matter how smart a girl is, first and foremost during the first days of engagement is to say NO without offering any apparent reason because no matter how convincing you are, you'll never win an argument due to the very simple reason that a girl shall always drift you into non rational dimensions. She'll never give up and shall elude you by leading you to her maze of thoughts. Sha'll drain your energy till you give up and say "OK" for sake of dropping off the topic and out of frustration.

Just say some few NOs without any explanation from the beginning so when the shit hits the fan you might use it and save yourself a week of headache. The girl won't nag for an explanation for irrational requests if she knows that sometimes a "no" is just a "no". A girl's perspective is never as a man's perspective and she'll never grasp the things you might see, so save yourself the trouble and use the magical word. (this advice has been emphasized to those who tend to debate and discuss everything logically and trying to convince the other party, as you can't convince someone who is mostly emotional and hormonal with high dependency on mothers, sisters and friends to formulate opinions).

A girl is a gifted natural negotiator with stacks of arguments, so never try to outsmart her in her own field, yet don't be a herded sheep. She loves her ideas and you can almost always convince her with your idea by managing to make it look like it's all hers. Simply let her reach that idea by her own while you pave the way.

Always clearly state the things you care about which are essential to you and never try to hide them or even rectify them. If you love fishing a lot, admit it. If you are a soccer fanatic, say it out loud. If you think that friends gatherings are sacred (dewaneya) then spell it out. You don't want to argue "you didn't say so".

And always make it up to her in every possible way, don't go too far in perusing your habits over her expenses. Give her her fair share of time, show interest in her essentials and try to indulge her. Always dedicate that time completely to her with no interruptions whatsoever. Then and only then, you are allowed to have your time with no worries and guilt. Just try to balance it out. Marriage doesn't mean slicing yourself from your old life completely, it's a matter of balance, understanding & priorities.

A crucial tactic is trying to be crude in the early days of engagement, not to be too easy going, looking all cute and acting so romantically. Just try to manifest your bad sides and never the other way around. Don't go over the fence with it and get carried away but try to resemble your bad days and gloomy moods. Let her get a taste of what might she be facing in one of those bad days. It's drawing the first image phase. Girls are proned to remind you of every single change and incident in your life and act like a breathing reminder with the most lovable line "You've changed a lot since we got married". The thing is that girls fail to realize that you can't always be in a great mood, funny, open for discussions and listening to her girly complaints.

If you show your bright side first (without pretending something you are not) then you'll always be compared to that first image you helped to draw. The idea is to let her adapt and totally accept your negative sides (nothing outrageous) so when you are both on for the rest of your lives, she'll manage to deal with you and won't say "You've never been like that before". It's a way to make a girl know that there is plenty of good sides in your bucket than those down times, to have that first image backing you up in case subconsciously she refers to it.

Always show your jealousy in a reasonable scale and never try to cut her from her old life. She's always had her own circle of friends and habits and you must accept them and don't enforce changes unless they don't fit a marriage life style.

Show that you care about things that thrills her and bring it up every once in a while to show that you do care even if you are not interested in a certain topic.

A girl is molded with a nagging potion that you can't break, accept it and deal with it. Don't fight it back specially if you have short tolerance to nagging and with tantrums tendency. It's the way they are, they've been designed in that way and you have to take the whole package.

Those are some of the tactical guidelines that keep popping up for every new possible groom. Lots of whispers and plenty of plans.


After hearing those advices, a single thought bugged me, it's too complicated to follow. It's supposed to be spontaneous, sure there are compromises, sacrifices and adjusting. But I've always felt it's supposed to be much simpler.


Apart from the content, I love the scene when a poor friend who's about to get married gets cornered by the married wolves pack and they start feeding him all the necessary information to insure the success of the marriage while all outsiders (singles) are kept aside with no chance to offer anything. All eyes are on him and he's trying to grasp as much data as possible and not being able to voice his opinion. It's download time for him not processing time.
It amuses me and always reminds me of "Khalti Gmasha" when So'ad Abdullah ges to live with her in-laws and on the first day she has to swallow all the crapped rules from Mariam Al-Saleh & Mariam Al-Ghadhban :)

Sunday, December 2, 2007

212 :: The Anniversary

Dates .. Colors .. Cars .. Hopes .. Dreams .. Movies .. Nails .. Numbers .. Places .. Jogging .. Scents .. Harry Potter .. Fruits … Croissants .. Breakfasts .. Morning Calls ... Penguins .. Red .. Clothes .. Elections .. Areas .. Designs .. Ramadan .. TV Series .. Tears .. Babies .. Songs .. Words .. Pictures .. Sweet & Sour .. Shoes .. Sounds .. Cinemas .. Exhibitions .. Roads .. Winter .. Secrets .. Names .. Pictures ..

My dearest friend, all of that and many more and you are still wondering!!
Why memories are glued to my days?
Why the clock ticks and time doesn't pass?
Why I'm shadowed with every step on my path?
Why when I narrow my world it comes to one person "her"?
Why when I'm fully alive, I'm still imprisoned inside?
Why the reflection in the mirror isn't mine anymore?
Because all I am is because of her.
Because when you truly love someone, she's in your heart, in your mind and never really gone and keep coming back anytime all the time.
Because the absence is too excruciating for my heart and mind to bear.
Because the memories take my mind off the impossibility of my condition.
Because she's everywhere and everything.
Because she's the ultimate inevitable in my life.
It's my anniversary and I choose to live it for the sound that used to be and the remaining residing silence, for the warmth that once existed in my iced veins. I refuse to skip a single heart beat without thinking about her.
I wonder if the she acknowledges the date. I wish her all the best as I love her and miss her to the point an atom splits with its desires with every pulse in my heart.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Bloggers End

For whatever reason drives someone to blog and share own thoughts, events and emotions. At some level and to some degree it revolves around therapeutic writing. And as with every successful therapy, comes a healing to end it. Which makes me wonder how long does it take for the effects to kick in?
How many bloggers have chosen to abandon their blogs when they felt that it's the right time. I'm not talking about impulsive blogs that come and disappear or those who wants to give it a shot, I'm talking about those who are committed to their blogs, who gave their heart and soul to it and once they reach their saturation point, off they go.
How many bloggers are there in everyone's list who aren't active anymore, who have stopped abruptly, some have had their share of farewells and some felled from the face of blog-o-sphere and walked away.
I've been told by a friend that writing might be the perfect solution for my lack of venting and to avoid explosion, I do spell my emotions into posts that are saved as drafts and most probably won't be posted until I reach a cooling point, just having them out of my chest might ease it a little bit.
Then when does it end if a relief isn't achieved? When blogging starts to turn into an addiction, to a constant urge for that emotional adrenaline shot to keep things balanced and slowly developing new needs & new habits which start to take over. And instead of being imprisoned with certain emotions, people are imprisoned in posts.
How many out there think they've been cured and are ready to quit and vanish? How long does it take for a blog to die? What does it take to turn your back for your blog? How long will it last? How long will I last?

Monday, October 15, 2007

Ingrained Day

I've just realized that I've not witnessed the first day of Eid this time!!
Taking a late Ramadan 29 flight and landing of 30th of Ramadan in another country whereas it's the first day of Eid in Kuwait. Then taking a late flight on the same day and landing back in Kuwait on the early hours of the 2nd day of Eid. so technically I haven't witnessed that specific highlighted day which made me into thinking of how many days fallen out of the calendar and failed to capture a single memory.

While in less than a day, a day which doesn't reside on my calendar, I've lived it completely, seeing people I haven't seen in over than 15 years, going to places where virgin memories got birth and smelling scents that dig me deep in sweet memories.

Though the day has no name attached to it or has lost it significance, it shall be engraved into my memory. Many days fade and pass unwitnessed and here an untitled day which I lived with so many details.

Makes me wonder, how many days go unnoticed doing things we automatically think ought to do without noticing the important things in life and forgetting to really living the days.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Junk SMS

Nothing against congratulating messages which keep popping up into mobiles in any occasion. But it gets really absurd to have all sorts of messages streaming all day long. I don't mind receiving them from those who are abroad but from those who can just pick up the phone and initiate the call it becomes really irritating.
I have no idea what's the purpose of sending those messages to all the contacts in phone's memory whilst not knowing exactly to whom they are being sent.
And what's with the relatively new trend by typing down the sender's name at the end of the message. Is it because they think that the receiver might not recognize them and sometimes not even the number. I bet most of those messages are sent without any clue of whom are getting them, just a number stored, nothing but mere digits and there is a great possibility that the number isn't in use anymore!!
Not having the time to make such calls isn't really a substantial reason for not making the call, the cliché that it’s a busy life isn't valid, a call will take less than five minutes and you can always make those calls during the day, or the least you can do is to write a personal message, Not just some junk forward texts.
You only get them in special occasions from some numbers that you might have totally forgotten about. It even sometimes gets really silly that you get them from unknown numbers because you have erased them and you only recognize them by the sender's name at the end and you know for certain you've just been junk messaged.
Sometimes I surmise about such messages, does the sender really remember me? does the sender know if I'm still using the same mobile number? Does the sender know that it has been sent to me? I know for sure that I haven't got a call from that number, I know for sure that if that name hasn't been typed I'd never guess the sender's identity.
Call me old fashion but I feel ashamed from sending such messages when I just can call them, I mean isn't that the purpose of the message, to say that you are being remembered, to congratulate you and wish you well!! The call really puts a value to it, unlike a text message which has been sent by mistake by choosing all contacts in the list!!
Irony, you receive messages from all kinds of people yet not even a word from those who you yearn for every single day. And still waiting.

Friday, August 3, 2007

A Radio Show

Listening to FM station, it was near midnight, a poem was being recited by a voice that was pretending warmth and serenity. I felt like listening to some eloquent poems to revive my soul. As I was listening to them, it turned out to be one of those late night love programs. I've heard about such programs and how they get more popular everyday. People tuning the frequency and awaiting to listen to others' sad stories. Maybe because it lessens the pain they endure witnessing much harsher tragedies.
As I waited for the next poem, callers started to join the show with deep sighs, teary voices and bleeding words. Everyone pouring their hearts out. They were tormented with their hearts ripped out of their chests. Swallowed by their sadness, embraced by loneliness and wore their hearts on their sleeves.
I've always wondered what makes someone goes on a national radio in a small country like Kuwait and publicly spell the heart out!! They must be desperately hopeless and the pain is beyond imagination to take such route. I've always found it tremendously hard to share my pains with my closest ones, how does it make the heartbeat smoother if I start spreading my news!! I guess each has his own approach. I can't stop my imaginations from conceiving the possibility that the other person is actually listening, how might he/she feels? What would happen? Does it really work? Sometimes the wild imagination draws the scenarios and pictures the scenes for the couple being back together again. (Bad technique as this procedure might swell your heartache)
I've always thought that the majority of callers are teenagers who magnify their pain, picturing it as the end of the world. You could predict ages from their voices, they sounded in their late twenties and some even in their early forties. You could hear their weeping hearts and feel the weight of their wounded tears.
I've come to realize that real love exists scarcely nowadays, and it is not possible to find someone who truly and ultimately loves you for who you are and accepts your flaws. It is becoming more and more of a exterminated breed of emotions as almost everyone is turning unto materialistic and egotistical figures especially with the younger generations.
It was like a cold shower that hit me, that there are still people haven't been affected yet, who embrace their hearts and express their emotions freely. It was the rise for the hope that people can still connect to their hearts and allow their emotion to flow into their veins which ironically made me smile despite the sad nature of their stories that real emotions prevails.
Their stories unleash your demons and work as the flash point for your agonies to be ignited. Indeed I couldn't imagine the pain they are going through that may force them to expose their life to all listeners and jeopardizing their identities, they were mostly helpless and some even hopeless. The pain was unbearable as their universe is shattering into pieces. It is those moments that bring us back to the basics, that we are all humans, who are as vulnerable as daisies to the wind and who are always emotionally immature when it comes to heartaches. Sometimes life's whirlwind sucks the life out of us and leave us emotionally drained and wilted, it makes us believe that we can skip the heartbeat and control its pulses. It is when we hit rock bottom that makes us realize how desperate, how weak we are and how human we are.
They were representing the last people who could relate to their hearts and were willing to tell the world how much they are madly in love. I pray for them to end their miseries as I take a bow and raise my hat saluting them all for being attached to their hearts, living it to the utmost and for stirring my emotions.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Females' Crippled Mentality

This post is merely caused by the frustration of female colleagues "work-wise".
This isn't s racism against feminism but rather what I deduced from my own experience.
If both a guy and a lady on the same management level and carrying work in parallel lines, by some weird means she finds a way to mold it into a fanatical grudge war. Fact is that females are drama queens by nature, and everything revolves around prejudices to feminism which shadows all their actions and every single incident is interpreted accordingly.
I'm so fed up with Kuwaiti females' mentality. Nothing personal against them, and I'm not a racist and shall not raise a war with them. It's just the silly idea which is deeply rooted inside most "not all" girls that the society has not done them justice and bringing up the male-female privileges imbalance to any daily activity. Whenever something goes wrong or does not work out according to the female's expectations, subconsciously comes the ultimate explanation for it, because I AM A FEMALE AND NOT A GUY!!
I'm sick and tired of the repetitive whining, the swelling in personality which grows deeper and deeper, the myth that the guy has all the advantages and girls are being crucified for no apparent reason. Not being able to stand toe-to-toe with guys because the chances are always in guys' preferences. I've seen marvelous female colleagues that work splendidly with massive energy and awesome creativity who excel on many level and each one of them worth a battalion of men, they never seem to be crippled with an awkward idea. Those I admire, salute and feel empowered to have them on a team. As for those I'm frustrated about, why don't you try to spark that in yourself!! Blaming others for your own prejudged disqualifications is nothing but a shallow excuse so you can sleep at night and keep blaming the world for your inadequacies!!
If someone excels over you, it does not mean that you've been overlooked, underrated or being treated with injustice. It's because you have not worked as hard. Do not start complaining about how unfair the management is when all you are doing is laying back and care about nothing but your own prestigious image. Heay, work has to be done, and it will not stop when you are gone. It's not my fault that you slacked and still wanna be in charge of everything. GROW UP please. The world does not revolve around you. It might be for your husband, or your daddy or even your friends, but not when it comes to work.
For your own sake, and people's around you, please MATURE a little bit. When you are being evaluated as mediocre, it is NOT because you are a girl. When you are not being notified with the latest updates, it is NOT because you are a girl; it is because it is NOT GOD DAMN YOUR BUSINESS!!! THINGS ARE BEING REVEALED ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS!! When you are being slightly scolded when failing to meet a deadline, or being asked to go the extra mile, it is NOT because you a girl, hasn't the idea crossed your blind folded eyes that your boss has cited a potential that isn't being utilized and wishes for you to cultivate it!!
We all have flaws, every single one of us, and I have my share of mistakes, but that doesn't mean that if I'm being noted for such mistakes then all my good work shall be wiped, is it too hard to understand that once it is being brought up to your attention then this is actually improving you by identifying your deficiencies!!! Do you expect an inspiring morning with all your mistakes vividly squinting at you!!
Yes, I am a perfectionist, yes I demand the highest of the highest standards and the limit is the sky. Yes I tend to force extra pressure when needed to shake things up and pinch your day dreams. Try to grasp the concept that if you don't care about your work evaluation, then you must care about the department image which you are representing, the bosses' plans and your team work efforts.
Stop whining when you can throw it in your work and excel above all!! Smash your limits and blow up your imaginary restrained capabilities, free yourself from the locked up mentality, you own it for yourself. Use 10% of your wasted energy on whining and you shall achieve your claimed rights.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Sudden Aging

Funny how time flies when you are trying to keep up with it, it feels more like a glimpse. I've always knew that this day shall come as a natural sequence of time. Hasn't been anticipating it, but knew that it was coming for sure and I have to deal with it. I've never conceived how would it feel or what words shall come out. I never thought that destiny is going to stuck me in the corner forcing me to relive my story again. To witness it all over again, to enrich my agony, to live it and witness a second version of it.

It feels like yesterday when my sister was more like my kid daughter, it didn't feel long since I used to brush her hair, adjust her clothes and tuck her to bed. But everyone grows old and who used to be a kid turned to be a young woman and young women have a destiny to fulfill.

The moment I got that call, it felt like time has frozen up and made me speechless, I didn't think it's going to happen this soon. Someone is actually proposing to my kid sister!! I've always felt that she is still my kid sister and it was like a sudden revealing moment that she is actually a woman and not a kid anymore!! I knew that day would come and I knew that it is the day that I fulfill my duty to her.

Memories fast rewinding and my brain can't process such input. I've always tried to replace the dad my sisters lost and to be the friend, big brother and father and if necessary the mother. As I hanged up the phone, I felt like I grew really old and reminded me that time isn't standing still, old enough to take the place of a father with a bride daughter. I've lived to see the task destiny chose for me, I've always felt like a father to them, but this incident made me feel way much older in a very strange way. I've never experienced such emotion, it was a strange but a sweet feeling.

As I shock all those ideas of my head and tried to summon up the facts, I saw the ugly face of time once again. I've memorized all its face features and I still carry all the scars of our previous acquaintances. Regardless the fact that I feel she is still too young to handle the responsibility of a family, maybe because I've always been the one who took that task and never imagined her taking it herself. She hasn't finished up her studies yet and the path's end isn't close enough to prepare the gear for another path. I know many do carry on with their studies while maintaining a family, but I can't help it to be petrified that she might not succeed with such burdens.

I've sworn that I shall never let my sisters relive my story again, I shall never let family control those matters, if the heart chooses someone then I shall never break their hearts, it's not like a family legacy that has to be carried by all members. But why have I been chosen to be put in such situation, to be forced into disapproval!! I've always told them that it's totally up to them to choose as long as the groom is decent and qualified and by qualified I ain't setting impossible standards, just good enough to insure a good marriage. Why would this first test be too god damn hard? The groom from another country which makes it so hard for me to accept it, letting her go and live in another country, all alone with no family to turn to in case she needs them and leave her deserted. I've come to know that she is agreeing though I haven't brought up the topic with her yet, trying to procrastinate it till she finishes this year in college. I don't want anything to interrupt her studies. And I know that sooner or later I have to face it.

If I say no, then I shall always live with the guilt of breaking her heart and shall see a rerun of my story in her eyes. What if this crushes her and she ends up hating me, her life and everything else. Am I willing to endure both my pains and hers. Will I break my promise of never standing against their happiness? Neither options shall put my heart on rest.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Unconditional Love

I just can't absorb the idea of conditional love, there isn't such a thing as a conditional love. It just doesn't make sense to me, how can love be conditional in the first place!! It is interesting that some may adopt the concept of "Conditional Love"!!
The nature of love is to be unconditional, to totally fall head over heals, to levitate and fully give and not wait for a return, refunds do not exist, to willingly compromise to keep moving, to ultimately unite and witness each other's lives and to accept each others flaws.
Love is pure and simple, the love of your best friend, the love siblings, the parental love and any form that love may take. We are humans and that is unconditional, there aren't states for conditional feelings, breathes, or even the heart beats. Those are emotions, no one can govern such intangibles, those aren't attitudes or actions that one might cultivate or change it according to circumstances. We do not add attributes to the equation in order to steer it as we wish.
I love you for who you are, for what you resemble, for everything that you are and everything that you do, for yourself. I ain't having conditions to change the way I feel!! I love you and that's it. Love isn't complicated and isn't an object to shape it the way we see fit. What would this world turn to be if we start to apply restrictions to our emotions and specially when it comes to love!!!
Why would someone apply conditions for emotions, I just don't get it. Who was it that brought up the idea of unconditional love as love itself isn't that in its absolute meaning. You do give and you do occasionally get, we change, we evolve and we adapt with our loved ones changes.
We love and we hate, and there are moments when love might seem isn't in its right place, but we don't switch it off or shift it to the other channel. Disagreements may rise but it doesn't effect our true emotions at all, it doesn't mean we should love less turn the knob into another channel. Gray areas do not exist in love, emotions either fall in love category or permanently placed in another segment. Even if the one we love develops new habits and change in attitude, we still love them for what they used to be and guide them back if they ever stray. In our ups and downs we endeavor into one fact that we shall never in any circumstances overlook our emotions.
There are no exceptions and no extreme cases for love to be conditional, it simply loses its ultimate meaning if that is the case. Even if by some miraculous way one might be drained out of love, it just doesn't mean that there are conditions, it simply takes another form and then it resurrects all over again. If it doesn't, then it wasn't love, it was something entirely different.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Human Oppositions

He was is his mid forties with an intriguing feeling around him, a radiant of intelligence shines from him with a sophisticated look empowered with frame-less spectacles, silver gray hair scattering foolishly on his forehead.

He walked through the crowd heading to the boarding gate. You cannot miss it, the way he confidently walks with slow sturdy steps. A great sense of elegance from down his shoes up to the slightly loosed baby blue tie. Just few meters from the gate, stands the smoking booth as a forgotten hut in the midst of a main street rush hour. As he approached it, he reached into his pocket maintaining his rythmatic steps, snapped a cigarette with a graceful fingers. His hands abruptly glowed with flames as he effortlessly torched the silver shining lighter with a magician hands.

His eyes rolled over the glass booth with a shadow of a smirk on his face, with the end of his lighter, her pressed the sliding door button preserving his neat hands. His eyes wandering through the foggy air, stared at the ventilation exhaust for a moment and stood firmly right beside the glass door. As the end tip of his cigarette flickers between his lips creating the effect of a shooting star on a cloudy winter day. He leaned gently on the glass wall with his shoulder, allowing his arm immersing in the smoky room. And moving his hand randomly drawing sketches on thick air with his smoke. He was gazing endlessly through the door. Inhaling with rapture, as each breathe is his last. Exhaling slowly as if he is savoring the air out.

He kept smoking and his cigarette started to wither. Taking glances to the full room with his smoking comrades between every few inhales. Raising his head slowly between inhales the way you try to smell the trees after the rain with all your senses. His smirk was the lightning through the smoke.

I was bewildered with his smirk, finally I understood the reason behind it. He was blowing out the smoke into the room and inhaling fresh air through the opened sliding glass door. The leaning on the glass wasn't pointless, wasn't a random gesture!! He kept the button pressed with his shoulder and kept the door unlocked to keep inhaling uncontaminated air. Smirking at his comrades, as if he had the elixir of life. His smirk turned into a widened smile as he left the booth imprisoning the smoke again in the booth and his sturdy steps lead him to his boarding gate!!

I smiled as I witnessed the human oppositions, as how can one not only proclaim to be virtuous , but actually manage to act like one when doing the exact opposite thing. It's a notch higher than being a hypocrite, since you are not pretending, but instinctively developing the ability to have discrepancies and believe they are well justified if not one!! They start to define you and actually be part of who you are.

How many of us do carry those human oppositions among themselves and allegedly adopt them as a normal attitudes. We've been created with both sides of the equation, to carry discrepancies with our lives. We own both sides of the equation and well acknowledge the elements, many attributes contribute into effecting the direction of the equation. Maybe its the mind vs. soul that drive us into such quirky paths.

Many examples rushed into my mind to fit the segment, and I was amazed as how many people I knew who developed such an attitude.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Birthday Story 2007

This is the first birthday ever to pass without you, and first times are always special, they are engraved deep in my wrecked memory and shall always be remembered. Its the birthday where I shall restart the counter. The one that embraces the summary of my years. Its my special birthday that shall change the meaning of my all birthdays.
It’s the first birthday without you, and first times are always priceless and unique, a first birthday, first kiss, first date and so many firsts. It’s the beginning of my birthdays journey. Amazing how the day passed away. It shouldn't have been one of those days where calendar is flipped and the dawn of the next day paints the horizon. Instead, it turned to be the highlight of my birthdays, this is how I shall remember it "The first birthday without you!!"
You are the birthday story and yet other stories revealed themselves. And I shall remember them because they are in my first birthday. Funny, how you made me have multiple first birthdays. Knowing you was my birth certificate, and you are being gone gave me my first birthday without you.
How lucky I am? How many people can witness their first birthday and have stories about it. You made it possible and I love it that you are part of it as you've always been part of everything in my life.
Future birthdays might come and still you are the reference of each one of them. Next ones are just another ticks on my board and whenever I lose the count I'll look back at you and count it right, as you are the only eligible narrator to my birthdays.
It's official, this year's birthday has been marked!! You marked down this year's birthday, but have you noticed the date changing? Have you thought about it? Did it spark any memories? I wonder how you will mark down your first birthday when I'm not there? Still many long nights till its there, but I had to conceive it as many things about you are being conceived.
Will my birthday date be replaced with the new one's? And mine is buried forever? I wonder how your first birthday is going to be? Shall I be frozen in your thoughts? or its going to be his birthday? How is he? How is the new me? How is the replica me? or have I become the replica?
Happy birthday to me as I'm starting to age. And even though I shall not share another birthday with you, laugh with you, cry with you, I shall carry you in my heart.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007


What an irony!!! I've come to realize that I'm living the irony of ironies, the ultimate irony. This was the first thing to cross my mind as my hands reached the pill, a pill to resolve what is turning to be a weak memory. Its so exhausting that my brain chooses to shut down to slow things down. An irony is to have a corrupted memory and still seem that you are the only healthy portion left.

YOU pierced my thoughts and the irony aroused within me. Isn't it already hard enough to soothe your memory waves which seem to be self stimulated and hit me abruptly. Gradually turn to be an essence to life and a constant reminder of anguish and pain, a mixture of sweetness and bitterness. Now with my own choice, I take something that shall dominate you to the top my thoughts stack and nourish your memories.

I had smiled when that idea came across my mind. And what else can I do when I know that I'm destined to carry you in my mind till my brain totally shuts down. It’s an irony that I've been trying to get accustomed to the idea of you being gone, and now with my own will I sacrifice whatever is left in my cells for your memories sake. As if it hasn't been enough!! As if I haven't given enough!! Maybe I shall never have enough!!

Yes, I'm addicted to you and addicted to the old me who used to be your completion as you were and still mine. I'm living with the consequences of my actions and I still choose to live with the consequences of this choice.

Friday, March 30, 2007


At some point, future has to start somehow. Regardless of all factors and whether I contribute in it or not, it shall start at any point. Deny it? Won't work anymore. Trying to create the future itself, it doesn't work that way. Time shall keep running through me, I can't keep up with it anymore, lacking both motivation and energy.

I wonder how's that going to end like. I catch my breathes and try to recollect my missing parts trying to obtain what once seemed to be a clear idea. As I watch it fly by me and imagining that it's just a pause to rest. Its actually starting without me when its about me!!

I keep thinking of how rusty my mind must be!! It can't pass a certain point, a certain way of life, and certain emotions. Is it really rusty or am I holding myself back? I've always been able to point out my destination and sculpt my plans. Always been able to think a mile ahead, but not anymore. How did I end up so much attached to the remains of the day? Damn you my dreams, you hooked me up with a fragile idea exposed by time, or was it exposed by itself? Maybe it couldn't take it anymore, couldn't contain it and had to break free.

Future has to start anyway, what used to be my future is no longer mine, what had to be my future is definitely not mine anymore. If future is starting everyday for someone at any given point of time, then today was my future at some vanished day. And today time has to balance it out by drawing a new future for me. I didn’t choose this layout and am not going to choose one now.

The ship has left the port and sailor's sight is aimed to a new horizon wondering about what shape shall this starting future form, either I keep hugging the shore or take the next leaving ship.
Is it time to start sailing to an unknown destination? Am I ready to cut myself loose.I choose to stay and watch you sail, as I am a bad swimmer. I choose to live it this way. If future has to start somehow, then it better start without me this time, as I had my share.

If this is all going to be just a memory then I am myself choose to be a standing memory, a milestone to an old future and a witness to the next future. I choose to live, not die, and this is how I choose to live.