The Anniversary of Chased Memories

It’s my anniversary alone with the memories, I’ve witnessed years passing me by since you had sailed away and I’d stood still gazing into the unknown. Three years and yet I remember your last words, three years and I thought I’ve adjusted to your perpetual departure, I thought I’ve wandered for so long and deep enough to reach the bottom, yet, the falling seems endless.

In the beginning there was a request “promise me not to let me get hurt” and I’ve loved you immensely wrapping you within my heart so that if anything would hurt you then it’s my heart that shall bleed before you. At the end there was the final request “wipe away your tears, we can’t defy society’s rules, go on with your life and seek a new companion to replace me in your heart” and that it the request I can never obey. Between the beginning and the end you told me once “I know, you’ll never be able to love anyone else but me and everyone shall remind you of me” and that my love is the ultimate truth, the immortal words that keeps ringing into my ears till this moment, the truth that sums me up and immortalized with every breathe I take.

I’ve always wondered how come memories surface up uninvited, memories that I’ve never thought I can remember nor I had, but still they insist into showing their glowing face and shine my days. So many overwhelming memories that sometimes I need to close my eyes to process them and shrink my whole existence into the single thought of you. Memories that have been lurking into the deepest sides of my memory, they’ve been hidden for too long that they seem like a confabulation of you and made up by my never ending longing of you. Every surfaced memory makes my heart dances with rapture and encapsulates me with the sweetest joy I can ever imagine. It feels like collecting pieces of me and adding them up to feel somehow complete again.

Memories so intense that they chase me and blossom everywhere instead of having me chasing them. They rise in all the streets I walk into, all the places we’ve been to and even the in times I spent thinking of you, they are everywhere and yet are nowhere near me. Memories that defy the universe and bend the time, levitate me into another dimension by taking me to witness their birth. Whenever my eyes wander around, memories pop up like precious gifts; showers of memories that seem have escaped me and lost forever, now they are restored with the tiniest details and rainbows surrounding them.

I wonder, will you ever have those sudden surfaced memories? Have they been buried deep that shall remain forgotten? Do places spark those memories? Do you remember me?

Thank you for those memories that soften the roughness in my soul and showers me with serenity, I can never cripple my soul and let go of your memories, I can never reject a divine bless and remove the tones from your melody. Thank you for the rains of memories pouring into my drought heart watering me and seeding me with life. I’ll nurture them in my imaginary house and never let a single one of them ever get lost and that's my eternal love how I celebrate our anniversary.

Restless & Relentless

It was a day like today when I last saw you, when I closed my eyes for the last time protecting a life of memories. It was in that day when I held your hands, it's in these times when days spark the fire from one memory to the next heating up my heart and sweetening my days. That was the day when I sealed my heart and my eyes went shut and these are my days where every light is muted with your absence.

I’m blinded with memories which I refuse to release while walking in your moon light under a starless sky.

With your memories lingering with nights' shivers as seasons change their wardrobes and places take new shapes while I hold your love in the remains of my heart. Those are my blinded eyes that can never journey beyond your face.

Those are your memories storming hurricanes into my restless soul and driving all the longing with their winds. If all universe longings are more, mine are still surpassing.

Those are your memories that cheer the air and lift the spirit and these are my immortal days and nights my love.

I miss horribly you and I wish you a happy gergai’an my endless love.

Birthday Story 2009

This birthday is all about you, I can't help it but to think of you, maybe it's my immense need to your shoulder or a love that thrives everyday. I couldn’t resist a persistent feeling that you are happy; I could smell your scent haunting me and your happiness filling the air. I needed to know, I had to know, you mean the world to me and your happiness nourishes my heart. I needed to know that even if I'm not there you are doing fine, it's strange that the only way to spill my heart out is the web and yet it's the way to get your news.

I haven’t had a real complete happiness since we’ve parted ways; nothing brings true immense happiness when I’m not sharing it with you. Thank you for this almost forgotten feeling of happiness, reading your name with your promotion is my ultimate birthday gift filling my heart with tremendous rapture, finally the long waited birthday fueling my life and restoring the feeling of complete happiness.

I feel more alive than ever with your love nourishing my heart, I love you, there are so many things that I want to tell you, a momentous desire to hear your voice chanting my ears. I’ve had so much love in my life and you’ve flooded me with your love to nourish the fading stars, and when you are gone I’ve felt the shallowness of my existence and emptiness of this universe. You’ve given me a perpetual love surpassing my heartbeats. I’ve always loved you and I’ll always will and for that I dedicate this birthday to you. As I witness the near end of a decade, I know you had the ultimate share of it and no one deserves it but you, you were my gift from heaven and divine gifts don’t happen twice in a lifetime, this is the birthday where I celebrate you my love.

I’ll always be thankful for you, I never thanked you enough, and now when you are away and our ways may never cross I feel more thankful for everything you’ve ever done and still do. I love you for the care you gave me, for the love I basked in, for the warmth you showered me, for the shoulder you offered me, for the heart you included me in, for what you are, what you did and for what you still do, I dare to say that you’ve always been my source of happiness and still are. "Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take but by the number of times your breath is taken away” and today I'm breathless.

Pain Deprivation

No sigh can outcry a trembled heart stormed with everlasting coldness, the greatest pain of all is never being able to feel anymore, the numbness that feeds itself onto my heart left me emotionally paralyzed. The agony of leading an apathetic life with revolting senses of a hollow heart.

I know that I’ve walked through roads where I had to resent parts of my heart, where I’ve tried to hold on to them but I was forced to let them go protecting myself from further pains.

I know at certain times I had to deal with distant love and I chose to live on the remains of those days.

As silly as it sounds I’ve always thought that living without my love is excruciating but possible, and I’ve always knew that blocking out emotions and shunning love to preserve an old one while refusing to let go can yield to scary outcomes. I’ve always knew that there is no prosthetic for missing pieces in my heart.

Yet I chose to go all the way basking in an old refreshing love and allowing time to heal my wounds. Yet I chose to divert my emotions towards those who I care about to maintain my sanity and have some sort of balance of my emotions and fulfill my emotional needs.

But I knew deep inside me that I’m treading on a thin slice of ice, I knew that I can’t keep reviving my heart by constant giving. I knew I’m drifting away from what my heart is meant to be by trying to change it and have it re-programmed by my wishes.

How will it be in years to come if my journey kept going on its direction? All I'm doing is creating an imbalance by channeling emotions to those I care about over a love relationship and a defected heart, creating a skewed scale, pouring all my feelings into a zone of my choosing to have one side full with the other is totally empty. And as time goes by this shall be the new shape of my heart with no turning back as the weight won't let me balance it back.

Now as days passed by, I look inside my heart and I find nothing but silence and emptiness, I know that I’ve consumed my tank and drained my heart of any feelings, I watch myself tuning into an emotionless person, losing any empathy or sympathy and imprisoned inside a cold stoned heart and each day the walls are getting higher.

I’ve lost the ability to feel any pain and yet it’s painful not feel anymore. I’ve lost the gift of pain and now I’m deprived from pain and peace in my heart.

What an awful life when you feel nothing at all.

27/27

It’s your 27th birthday my love and I have to sum up what’s left in me to open your box of memories to look at them one more time, to unleash hundreds of moments storming my soul. Everyday, a memory is resurrected, vivid as the sun, warming my heart by floods of emotions and showers of your scents paralyzing my senses. I love you more every passing day, more than any heart's capacity and more than any divine perception. I miss life through your eyes.

I see you in my dreams and I still miss you everyday, I still long for one more word, for one more single moment to nurture my heart. I miss your laughs provoking angels jealousy, I miss your kind heart making heaven greener, I miss your voice trembling my heart.

We are who we love and I’m proud to be who you are. You’ve softened all my rough edges and completed me; my soul longs for you, you’ve breathed life in me and bestowed me your love, I'm the luckiest person for ever knowing you and I'm all your doing.

I once was intact and now I’m damaged goods.

I once was alive and now I’m a ghost.

I once had dreams and now they’re myths.

I once was human and now I’m a shadow.

I once had love and now you’re gone.

I once was there and now I’m lost.


You've grown and I'm sure you're scintillating as ever, I've always wished we could age together, and all I have now is the memory of that wish. My only consolation is that God works in mysterious ways that it must have been for your best , I hope it turned out prosperous. Happy birthday my love and I wish you myriad more.