Pain Deprivation

No sigh can outcry a trembled heart stormed with everlasting coldness, the greatest pain of all is never being able to feel anymore, the numbness that feeds itself onto my heart left me emotionally paralyzed. The agony of leading an apathetic life with revolting senses of a hollow heart.

I know that I’ve walked through roads where I had to resent parts of my heart, where I’ve tried to hold on to them but I was forced to let them go protecting myself from further pains.

I know at certain times I had to deal with distant love and I chose to live on the remains of those days.

As silly as it sounds I’ve always thought that living without my love is excruciating but possible, and I’ve always knew that blocking out emotions and shunning love to preserve an old one while refusing to let go can yield to scary outcomes. I’ve always knew that there is no prosthetic for missing pieces in my heart.

Yet I chose to go all the way basking in an old refreshing love and allowing time to heal my wounds. Yet I chose to divert my emotions towards those who I care about to maintain my sanity and have some sort of balance of my emotions and fulfill my emotional needs.

But I knew deep inside me that I’m treading on a thin slice of ice, I knew that I can’t keep reviving my heart by constant giving. I knew I’m drifting away from what my heart is meant to be by trying to change it and have it re-programmed by my wishes.

How will it be in years to come if my journey kept going on its direction? All I'm doing is creating an imbalance by channeling emotions to those I care about over a love relationship and a defected heart, creating a skewed scale, pouring all my feelings into a zone of my choosing to have one side full with the other is totally empty. And as time goes by this shall be the new shape of my heart with no turning back as the weight won't let me balance it back.

Now as days passed by, I look inside my heart and I find nothing but silence and emptiness, I know that I’ve consumed my tank and drained my heart of any feelings, I watch myself tuning into an emotionless person, losing any empathy or sympathy and imprisoned inside a cold stoned heart and each day the walls are getting higher.

I’ve lost the ability to feel any pain and yet it’s painful not feel anymore. I’ve lost the gift of pain and now I’m deprived from pain and peace in my heart.

What an awful life when you feel nothing at all.

Reset

There are times, when all you wish for is that you locate the RESET button in your system to have your default settings restored.

There are times, when the waves are too high, when you are fed up with all the ups and downs and your vast world starts to shrink into a small rocked corner. When your energy is drained out of you and everything seems to be going into intertwined paths with full speed. When things that used to be the simple facts of your life are turning into hazed images of a dazed soul.

If such option can be granted, will someone take the leap into having everything wiped out with a chance to start over again? Having to let go of all the memories and experiences? To exterminate soul's corners with all that has been accumulated during the years? I know I've been tempted to have that imaginary button pressed.

Will it be really worth it?
Fact: many memories shall wither as days go by, no matter what's their nature and regardless of their vital importance. And eventually many things which are stacked deep down and chained to a bottomless subconscious, may never surface again. Memories that you try to keep them floating the surface all the time and try too hard to be truthful and sincere to them, the majority of them are distended to gradually fade away.

I'll hold on to those memories and shadow them with each breathe. This is all that has left and all that matters when I look back at my past years. That's what makes my life A life, and as long there are breathes inflating my chest then I shall live it to the most while having you in my heart as each blood pump nurtures your memories and rejuvenate fading ones.

Our lives are rich with enormous resources of happiness, but sometimes we mislead ourselves into believing that by focusing on all that has gone wrong, it shall provide us with the motivation to face the challenges. And by feeding on our experiences’ nectar we’ll avoid our mistakes to fulfill our pledge by benefiting from such experience.

But there is a fine and invisible line that we may overlook, when we place ourselves into our handmade entrapment by dwelling for too long trying to comprehend our past, turning ourselves into our own guards of our prison. Chained to life’s fluctuations, we soon will start suffocating for a bright day that we prevent it from ever happening while locking ourselves into the past.

When we choose to focus on what makes us happy, a shift occurs in the fabric of our existence. Finding something to be happy about every single day can help this shift sets a foot deeper and puts our souls into balance, when we can see that being alive is truly a gift to be savored. And there is always something we can be happy for; it is simply up to us to identify.

On one day, we may find happiness in a momentous, life-changing event such as a marriage or a birth of a child. On another day, the happiness we experience may be a product of our appreciation of a particularly well-brewed cup of a coffee or the way the sun lays its rays on our skin on a breezy morning. If we discover that we literally cannot call a single joyful element to existence, we should examine the cause of such block state standing between us and experiencing happiness. We should catalog happiness unfolding all around us and realize that joy has myriad opportunities to manifest itself into our lives.

Happiness may not always be recognized easily with our lives. Most likely, we have been conditioned to believe that the proper response to unmet expectations is to wallow into sadness, anger, guilt, or fear. To make joy a stapled event in our existence, we must first accept that it is within our power to choose happiness on every single day. Then, each time we discover a source of happiness, the notion that the world is a happy place will pave its way deeper into our hearts. Today, find one thing to be happy about and let it fill your heart.

P.S.

My dear friend, I am happy for ever having the chance to live my life as it is, to ever fall immensely in love with her, to have the lightning striking my heart, to carve those memories into my soul, to have you as my friend and to let you know that I’m happy despite everything that might shed gloomy shadows on me.

Do you remember when you said that "Someone should watch About Schmidt only when he feels that he is happy when he shouldn't be"? Well, today it's my turn to tell to flip the coin and watch As Good As It Gets and be happy for the mere fact of feeling happy.

My Weakness

Mistake after mistake, disappointment after disappointment and everything seems to be draining me with one thing and one thing only, my weakness.

There are certain things you cannot share and vent to anyone, not because they are pieces of secrets that may cause inevitable damage, because they are simply unspoken words about your untouched fragile core. Those little things that define you and you don't talk about but rather being grasped through years of knowing you. That sacred sphere of emotions, the disguise of weakness that paralyze the brain cells, the things which are kept unwrapped and hidden as natural spontaneous defense tactic.

Taking advantage of your weakness hurts the most when it is being done by those who you care about the most, when you know that no matter what they do, you shall not resent them. If your weak point is that you forgive those who you love no matter what and always find an excuse for whatever action that hurts you which shall be will be written off and forgotten. It just hurts tremendously when they take your forgiveness for granted, when they know the secret reset button in your system.

Every single one has a weak point which shatters all the toughness apart to the point that nothing is held back anymore. I don't detest my weakness, It is my motivation and what defines me, what makes who I am. Many try to hide their weakness by camouflaging the appearances but sooner or later the mask falls down and that shield is penetrated by those who knows you the best and what a magnificent feeling it is to have an oasis for your fears and a well for your emotions where you spell them with the least care of the world. But as life evolves, the scene progresses and the prestige is unfolded for the wrong hands. It's not a matter of mistrust, it's taking advantage of my weakness to serve their benefits. I guess many of us has done it when we were kids and had tried to take advantage of our parents love to stay an extra hour late or to have an extra candy bar. But with grown ups is it inexplicable to keep pressing that hidden button to reach their goals, optimizing their gains and exposing my vulnerability. To persist in cutting my roots and leaving me to wither, to self patch my wounds and lick my pains away, to rebuild what has been ruined by their own doings.

Why do they do it and keep doing it, even when I emphasize on the fact that taking advantage of it shall cause catastrophic results and they will be permanently exterminated from my life. The only explanations that makes sense of repeated hits is that they know that they have their forgiveness in advance, that my flames shall leave my heart aching with the burnt ashes condensing the pain and clotting my heart.

My heart can't simply afford more losses, as each loss dissolves part of it and all I'm left with is a small part that barely holds me back from collapsing and preserving me from turning into a rusty machine. I cannot afford losing the remaining of it. It hurts too much and I can't bear the idea of stepping on my heart and watching it fading away. Nothing will revive the dead parts of me and I shall take a deep look into their eyes screaming WHY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME? Haven't you done enough!! Haven't I Given enough?!

I know that my heart is extremely brittle with those I love and my forgiveness is granted. And I shall live with my curse as each pound smashes the heart to the point that a heartbeat is merely for pumping blood into my weak veins.

Just hand me that piece of my heart and set me free. I've lost too much too early and what's remaining is barely enough for the journey to come.

Ingrained Day

I've just realized that I've not witnessed the first day of Eid this time!!
Taking a late Ramadan 29 flight and landing of 30th of Ramadan in another country whereas it's the first day of Eid in Kuwait. Then taking a late flight on the same day and landing back in Kuwait on the early hours of the 2nd day of Eid. so technically I haven't witnessed that specific highlighted day which made me into thinking of how many days fallen out of the calendar and failed to capture a single memory.

While in less than a day, a day which doesn't reside on my calendar, I've lived it completely, seeing people I haven't seen in over than 15 years, going to places where virgin memories got birth and smelling scents that dig me deep in sweet memories.

Though the day has no name attached to it or has lost it significance, it shall be engraved into my memory. Many days fade and pass unwitnessed and here an untitled day which I lived with so many details.

Makes me wonder, how many days go unnoticed doing things we automatically think ought to do without noticing the important things in life and forgetting to really living the days.

Sudden Aging

Funny how time flies when you are trying to keep up with it, it feels more like a glimpse. I've always knew that this day shall come as a natural sequence of time. Hasn't been anticipating it, but knew that it was coming for sure and I have to deal with it. I've never conceived how would it feel or what words shall come out. I never thought that destiny is going to stuck me in the corner forcing me to relive my story again. To witness it all over again, to enrich my agony, to live it and witness a second version of it.

It feels like yesterday when my sister was more like my kid daughter, it didn't feel long since I used to brush her hair, adjust her clothes and tuck her to bed. But everyone grows old and who used to be a kid turned to be a young woman and young women have a destiny to fulfill.

The moment I got that call, it felt like time has frozen up and made me speechless, I didn't think it's going to happen this soon. Someone is actually proposing to my kid sister!! I've always felt that she is still my kid sister and it was like a sudden revealing moment that she is actually a woman and not a kid anymore!! I knew that day would come and I knew that it is the day that I fulfill my duty to her.

Memories fast rewinding and my brain can't process such input. I've always tried to replace the dad my sisters lost and to be the friend, big brother and father and if necessary the mother. As I hanged up the phone, I felt like I grew really old and reminded me that time isn't standing still, old enough to take the place of a father with a bride daughter. I've lived to see the task destiny chose for me, I've always felt like a father to them, but this incident made me feel way much older in a very strange way. I've never experienced such emotion, it was a strange but a sweet feeling.

As I shock all those ideas of my head and tried to summon up the facts, I saw the ugly face of time once again. I've memorized all its face features and I still carry all the scars of our previous acquaintances. Regardless the fact that I feel she is still too young to handle the responsibility of a family, maybe because I've always been the one who took that task and never imagined her taking it herself. She hasn't finished up her studies yet and the path's end isn't close enough to prepare the gear for another path. I know many do carry on with their studies while maintaining a family, but I can't help it to be petrified that she might not succeed with such burdens.

I've sworn that I shall never let my sisters relive my story again, I shall never let family control those matters, if the heart chooses someone then I shall never break their hearts, it's not like a family legacy that has to be carried by all members. But why have I been chosen to be put in such situation, to be forced into disapproval!! I've always told them that it's totally up to them to choose as long as the groom is decent and qualified and by qualified I ain't setting impossible standards, just good enough to insure a good marriage. Why would this first test be too god damn hard? The groom from another country which makes it so hard for me to accept it, letting her go and live in another country, all alone with no family to turn to in case she needs them and leave her deserted. I've come to know that she is agreeing though I haven't brought up the topic with her yet, trying to procrastinate it till she finishes this year in college. I don't want anything to interrupt her studies. And I know that sooner or later I have to face it.

If I say no, then I shall always live with the guilt of breaking her heart and shall see a rerun of my story in her eyes. What if this crushes her and she ends up hating me, her life and everything else. Am I willing to endure both my pains and hers. Will I break my promise of never standing against their happiness? Neither options shall put my heart on rest.

Irony

What an irony!!! I've come to realize that I'm living the irony of ironies, the ultimate irony. This was the first thing to cross my mind as my hands reached the pill, a pill to resolve what is turning to be a weak memory. Its so exhausting that my brain chooses to shut down to slow things down. An irony is to have a corrupted memory and still seem that you are the only healthy portion left.

YOU pierced my thoughts and the irony aroused within me. Isn't it already hard enough to soothe your memory waves which seem to be self stimulated and hit me abruptly. Gradually turn to be an essence to life and a constant reminder of anguish and pain, a mixture of sweetness and bitterness. Now with my own choice, I take something that shall dominate you to the top my thoughts stack and nourish your memories.

I had smiled when that idea came across my mind. And what else can I do when I know that I'm destined to carry you in my mind till my brain totally shuts down. It’s an irony that I've been trying to get accustomed to the idea of you being gone, and now with my own will I sacrifice whatever is left in my cells for your memories sake. As if it hasn't been enough!! As if I haven't given enough!! Maybe I shall never have enough!!

Yes, I'm addicted to you and addicted to the old me who used to be your completion as you were and still mine. I'm living with the consequences of my actions and I still choose to live with the consequences of this choice.