Pain Deprivation

No sigh can outcry a trembled heart stormed with everlasting coldness, the greatest pain of all is never being able to feel anymore, the numbness that feeds itself onto my heart left me emotionally paralyzed. The agony of leading an apathetic life with revolting senses of a hollow heart.

I know that I’ve walked through roads where I had to resent parts of my heart, where I’ve tried to hold on to them but I was forced to let them go protecting myself from further pains.

I know at certain times I had to deal with distant love and I chose to live on the remains of those days.

As silly as it sounds I’ve always thought that living without my love is excruciating but possible, and I’ve always knew that blocking out emotions and shunning love to preserve an old one while refusing to let go can yield to scary outcomes. I’ve always knew that there is no prosthetic for missing pieces in my heart.

Yet I chose to go all the way basking in an old refreshing love and allowing time to heal my wounds. Yet I chose to divert my emotions towards those who I care about to maintain my sanity and have some sort of balance of my emotions and fulfill my emotional needs.

But I knew deep inside me that I’m treading on a thin slice of ice, I knew that I can’t keep reviving my heart by constant giving. I knew I’m drifting away from what my heart is meant to be by trying to change it and have it re-programmed by my wishes.

How will it be in years to come if my journey kept going on its direction? All I'm doing is creating an imbalance by channeling emotions to those I care about over a love relationship and a defected heart, creating a skewed scale, pouring all my feelings into a zone of my choosing to have one side full with the other is totally empty. And as time goes by this shall be the new shape of my heart with no turning back as the weight won't let me balance it back.

Now as days passed by, I look inside my heart and I find nothing but silence and emptiness, I know that I’ve consumed my tank and drained my heart of any feelings, I watch myself tuning into an emotionless person, losing any empathy or sympathy and imprisoned inside a cold stoned heart and each day the walls are getting higher.

I’ve lost the ability to feel any pain and yet it’s painful not feel anymore. I’ve lost the gift of pain and now I’m deprived from pain and peace in my heart.

What an awful life when you feel nothing at all.