How can you sleep at night? How can you sleep at night knowing that you’ve wronged someone? How can you sleep at night knowing that you’ve taken what’s rightfully not yours? How can you sleep at night knowing that you’re walking a slippery road?How is it possible to have the ends justifying the means for every selfish impulse? How is it possible to be guilt free and indulge in peace of mind when the conscience is screaming for life support?
It’s a pivotal moment when someone’s morals are on the stake when all of the sudden all that used to be corner stones for one’s life are measured up the definitive test. I’ve always felt that distinguishing what’s right from wrong and acting accordingly is so simple, but the truth is that taking the wrong path is too tempting to decide on a blink of an eye.
I’ve had a dilemma lately and had to make up my mind alone to see how I will act. I had to test myself and see if I’ll live up to my morals, it was a decision I needed to take it solely fighting a long and exhausting struggle for the past weeks, when I found myself on a shiny shelf with a neat price tag to box my ethics and send them to a forgotten island. I’ve been actually priced! All that I am comes down to this moment to find out how solid my basis are. I knew that I had to go through it alone; I needed to mark my way and engrave my stand.
I confess, it was alluring to take that first step to accept the indecent proposal which had been offered with a fancy name for a conspicuous bribe with myriad of excuses justifying it. It's strange how principles get intertwined as people get older and how elusive the facts are when they are disguised in great sincere intentions, I had to fight the restlessness at night and discomfort breathes because I knew that new doors are being added to my path as I advance, when shutting a door is actually opening a thousand others and I had to choose the right door. I knew what is the right thing to do and what I should be doing, I knew I had too much at the stake and all that I’ve worked hard to achieve probably might be taken away from me and I knew that when an offer comes through my boss, it sends a clear message. I knew, but still it wasn’t easy as I would presume it to be. I knew it is a slippery road with no turning back point and a single step shall be followed with many others. In a path where the sky is the limit I shall crawl with my first step and not much later I shall fly. I knew that one step further to access easy money is actually one step away from my soul and one more piece of me evaporating. I knew that I shall be lost forever and I couldn't forgive myself for that. I don’t want to fail myself; I don’t want to live with a new guilt that starts to eat whatever left of me and I don't want to lose myself.
As crucial the fight as pleasant it did feel when I had done the right thing, when I could sleep at night knowing that I haven’t lost myself, when I clearly stated that I can’t work in fishy environment and it is not me who walks that twisted path. I knew that I did the right thing but I blame myself for not being able to dismiss the idea promptly and it is the guilt that I have to carry with me and endure hoping that next time it shall be easier for me to sleep at night.
Long time no see! Welcome back..
ReplyDeleteWelcome back mate...
ReplyDeleteYou are a breath of fresh air, Touche. Welcome back, glad to see you.
ReplyDeleteForgive me for the length of this, but your question is one we all wrestle with. My answer comes from the Bible, Psalm 37. I bet the same is in the Quran, maybe worded a little differently:
Psalm 37 (New International Version)
Psalm 37
Of David.
1 [a] Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.
12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
"I knew that I did the right thing but I blame myself for not being able to dismiss the idea promptly and it is the guilt that I have to carry with me and endure hoping that next time it shall be easier for me to sleep at night."
ReplyDeleteFirst, prompt or not, at the very least you DID go ahead with the right thing eventually. That's what should count.
Second, enshalla sleep will come, and soon.
That was great to read, it's like I was listening to myself, you know?
ReplyDeletebeautifully written, well said and expressed emotions.
ReplyDeleteJust read your last post; I'm assuming you don't want comments on that, so I'll try to be redundant, but...
ReplyDeleteWhat you wrote helped me realise something. Something very crucial, and for me, life-changing, as well. I needed that. And only I know, how much.
Sometimes you are so entirely consumed by a feeling you tend to misconstrue its delusional existence as a tangible indispensable part of your life. It rules you, governs every action, and most of your thoughts. Negatively. It takes nothing short of a miracle for you to free yourself of that sensation, to remember that you, and nothing else, was the creator of that feeling: it had no solid existence in the real world. That post was my miracle.
I doubt this will make sense, yet say this I must-if nothing else, allow this comment to let you feel the pleasant aftermath of having altered something significant in another's life.
>> FourMe:
ReplyDeleteThank you, for your kind words and sincere wishes in your post, much appreciated.
Apologies for not commenting there, but I had to avoid any disturbance.
>> Amu:
Thank you, although I haven’t been posting nor commenting but I’ve been lurking around.
>> IntlXpatr:
As usual, the nicest words with momentous comments.
I shall not stray (inshallah) as long as I believe in the righteousness of my acts. It’s the aftermath of declining, the fact that even though I turned it down, my “self” pondered the idea and the given excuses. The guilt you feel when you know that you shouldn't give it a second thought even if it is a mere inner self dialogue.
I hated the idea that I felt something fishy and discarded my instinct till the obnoxious offer presented itself. It’s an eye opening event that tells you fragile human beings are.
>> Manutdfanatic:
Sleeping hasn't been an issue since I’ve concluded that no matter how severe the losses are, the rewards shall be overwhelming.
The guilt issue is explained in my reply to IntlXpatr.
Thank you for your supporting words.
>> elieruby:
Thank you.
I hope you reach an absolute serenity.
>> Bookard:
Thank you for your compliment.
>> Manutdfanatic:
You’ve poured joy into my heart and nurtured happiness, it is an incident that I shall cherish and remember it, that my post has been someone’s miracle and my pain liberated a chained soul.
I deeply thank you for that.