The Anniversary of Lost Love

I’ve spent years trying to fill the void in my life after your departure, I thought that if I kept myself busy then I shall redeem some sanity to go on with my life. Instead I found myself enveloped with nothing but emptiness, the closer I look at my life’s layers I discover how hallow my life has been, how I handicapped myself and how what used to be a choice is now my curse, how lonesome has turned into loneliness and life into soulless ghost. Now I can’t pinpoint anything that made those last few years any significant as my days pass me by unnoticed. Days rub my shoulders once we cross each other paths and numbly I can’t even feel them.

Screams have been growing into my chest into massive waves hitting me repeatedly and with each tide the heart is weakened and a piece is taken for you. I miss you, the nostalgia is crazing me for your voice, and my eyes are in drought for your sight, with yearning so powerful that it defies my existence.

I’m petrified to forget you, to have hazed and confused memories of you, I fear one day I wake up and don’t see you in my dreams vividly and slowly you fade away, what shall I end up with? A total blackness in a bright day! As much as it hurts not to find you here, it nourishes my heart to know that an ancient love is digging deeper into my heart, to hold down the remains of the heart.

You’ve always been the reason for so many changes in me, to be a better man for you, and even when you are gone you still keep shaping me as if it’s the first day ever, I am what I am because of you. Yes I love you and still do and it doesn’t seem to calm or the least that I reach a saturation level. Yes your last words were “We’ve reached a deadlock and there is nothing we can do, go on with your life, you deserve nothing but the best”, I know it was a closure and it was supposed to mark down the end to my story but I can’t eliminate you from my life, yes you’ve given me the permission to grieve and it should be easing the pain as time passes by, but I’ve been numbed ever since that day and turned my senses switch off.

I know I’m wallowing deeply and nothing seems to be to penetrate this sphere that I’ve coated myself with. I’ve been locked into world of grays with the absence of colors from the world except for the places we shared, filled with everlasting yearning for you and preserved the colors only for you, with only endurance to my endless suffering. I love you and I’ll always love you but I don’t know how long my heart can endure your absence, how long I can withhold my breaths and walk soullessly, how long I can mute my screams.

At the heart of my heart is a simple awakening that resonate the deep buried and hidden longing for you, the insurmountable capacity to love you for eternity that keeps shifting my reality to your dimensions knowing that into my wilderness I have solace in your love wrapped in sweet memories. My life is nothing but a collection of our moments that makes the whole journey bearable, you’ve nurtured my heart and I kept living on those memories, memories so intense that I can taste their flavor and waves of turmoil emotions washing up the salty scars of teary heart. Loving you is a life worth living for, the better half of my life is because of you and for you; it’s worth every second of it. I’ve been loved by you; I loved my life through your eyes and lived it for you. Waiting for your memories visits flooding my hours, as I welcome them with open arms.

The Anniversary of Chased Memories

It’s my anniversary alone with the memories, I’ve witnessed years passing me by since you had sailed away and I’d stood still gazing into the unknown. Three years and yet I remember your last words, three years and I thought I’ve adjusted to your perpetual departure, I thought I’ve wandered for so long and deep enough to reach the bottom, yet, the falling seems endless.

In the beginning there was a request “promise me not to let me get hurt” and I’ve loved you immensely wrapping you within my heart so that if anything would hurt you then it’s my heart that shall bleed before you. At the end there was the final request “wipe away your tears, we can’t defy society’s rules, go on with your life and seek a new companion to replace me in your heart” and that it the request I can never obey. Between the beginning and the end you told me once “I know, you’ll never be able to love anyone else but me and everyone shall remind you of me” and that my love is the ultimate truth, the immortal words that keeps ringing into my ears till this moment, the truth that sums me up and immortalized with every breathe I take.

I’ve always wondered how come memories surface up uninvited, memories that I’ve never thought I can remember nor I had, but still they insist into showing their glowing face and shine my days. So many overwhelming memories that sometimes I need to close my eyes to process them and shrink my whole existence into the single thought of you. Memories that have been lurking into the deepest sides of my memory, they’ve been hidden for too long that they seem like a confabulation of you and made up by my never ending longing of you. Every surfaced memory makes my heart dances with rapture and encapsulates me with the sweetest joy I can ever imagine. It feels like collecting pieces of me and adding them up to feel somehow complete again.

Memories so intense that they chase me and blossom everywhere instead of having me chasing them. They rise in all the streets I walk into, all the places we’ve been to and even the in times I spent thinking of you, they are everywhere and yet are nowhere near me. Memories that defy the universe and bend the time, levitate me into another dimension by taking me to witness their birth. Whenever my eyes wander around, memories pop up like precious gifts; showers of memories that seem have escaped me and lost forever, now they are restored with the tiniest details and rainbows surrounding them.

I wonder, will you ever have those sudden surfaced memories? Have they been buried deep that shall remain forgotten? Do places spark those memories? Do you remember me?

Thank you for those memories that soften the roughness in my soul and showers me with serenity, I can never cripple my soul and let go of your memories, I can never reject a divine bless and remove the tones from your melody. Thank you for the rains of memories pouring into my drought heart watering me and seeding me with life. I’ll nurture them in my imaginary house and never let a single one of them ever get lost and that's my eternal love how I celebrate our anniversary.

212 :: The Anniversary

Dates .. Colors .. Cars .. Hopes .. Dreams .. Movies .. Nails .. Numbers .. Places .. Jogging .. Scents .. Harry Potter .. Fruits … Croissants .. Breakfasts .. Morning Calls ... Penguins .. Red .. Clothes .. Elections .. Areas .. Designs .. Ramadan .. TV Series .. Tears .. Babies .. Songs .. Words .. Pictures .. Sweet & Sour .. Shoes .. Sounds .. Cinemas .. Exhibitions .. Roads .. Winter .. Secrets .. Names .. Pictures ..

My dearest friend, all of that and many more and you are still wondering!!
Why memories are glued to my days?
Why the clock ticks and time doesn't pass?
Why I'm shadowed with every step on my path?
Why when I narrow my world it comes to one person "her"?
Why when I'm fully alive, I'm still imprisoned inside?
Why the reflection in the mirror isn't mine anymore?

Because all I am is because of her.
Because when you truly love someone, she's in your heart, in your mind and never really gone and keep coming back anytime all the time.
Because the absence is too excruciating for my heart and mind to bear.
Because the memories take my mind off the impossibility of my condition.
Because she's everywhere and everything.
Because she's the ultimate inevitable in my life.

It's my anniversary and I choose to live it for the sound that used to be and the remaining residing silence, for the warmth that once existed in my iced veins. I refuse to skip a single heart beat without thinking about her.

I wonder if the she acknowledges the date. I wish her all the best as I love her and miss her to the point an atom splits with its desires with every pulse in my heart.