I’ve spent years trying to fill the void in my life after your departure, I thought that if I kept myself busy then I shall redeem some sanity to go on with my life. Instead I found myself enveloped with nothing but emptiness, the closer I look at my life’s layers I discover how hallow my life has been, how I handicapped myself and how what used to be a choice is now my curse, how lonesome has turned into loneliness and life into soulless ghost. Now I can’t pinpoint anything that made those last few years any significant as my days pass me by unnoticed. Days rub my shoulders once we cross each other paths and numbly I can’t even feel them.
Screams have been growing into my chest into massive waves hitting me repeatedly and with each tide the heart is weakened and a piece is taken for you. I miss you, the nostalgia is crazing me for your voice, and my eyes are in drought for your sight, with yearning so powerful that it defies my existence.
I’m petrified to forget you, to have hazed and confused memories of you, I fear one day I wake up and don’t see you in my dreams vividly and slowly you fade away, what shall I end up with? A total blackness in a bright day! As much as it hurts not to find you here, it nourishes my heart to know that an ancient love is digging deeper into my heart, to hold down the remains of the heart.
You’ve always been the reason for so many changes in me, to be a better man for you, and even when you are gone you still keep shaping me as if it’s the first day ever, I am what I am because of you. Yes I love you and still do and it doesn’t seem to calm or the least that I reach a saturation level. Yes your last words were “We’ve reached a deadlock and there is nothing we can do, go on with your life, you deserve nothing but the best”, I know it was a closure and it was supposed to mark down the end to my story but I can’t eliminate you from my life, yes you’ve given me the permission to grieve and it should be easing the pain as time passes by, but I’ve been numbed ever since that day and turned my senses switch off.
I know I’m wallowing deeply and nothing seems to be to penetrate this sphere that I’ve coated myself with. I’ve been locked into world of grays with the absence of colors from the world except for the places we shared, filled with everlasting yearning for you and preserved the colors only for you, with only endurance to my endless suffering. I love you and I’ll always love you but I don’t know how long my heart can endure your absence, how long I can withhold my breaths and walk soullessly, how long I can mute my screams.
At the heart of my heart is a simple awakening that resonate the deep buried and hidden longing for you, the insurmountable capacity to love you for eternity that keeps shifting my reality to your dimensions knowing that into my wilderness I have solace in your love wrapped in sweet memories. My life is nothing but a collection of our moments that makes the whole journey bearable, you’ve nurtured my heart and I kept living on those memories, memories so intense that I can taste their flavor and waves of turmoil emotions washing up the salty scars of teary heart. Loving you is a life worth living for, the better half of my life is because of you and for you; it’s worth every second of it. I’ve been loved by you; I loved my life through your eyes and lived it for you. Waiting for your memories visits flooding my hours, as I welcome them with open arms.
