The Only Certainty is Change

Those are the roads we drove through and those are the places we had been at. Those are which I’ve dreaded to face, to look at how time has shaped them ever since we parted ways. Roads and places that carry our memories. They have us lingering there in the air, longing for one more time to rejuvenate the colors, fill the dried palette and to have us marking them one more time. I’ve always dreaded walking the same roads and where your scent still fills the place and trees still remember our names. But today I found myself driving through a familiar road and heading for a place that is engraved into my memory. I felt your soul floating around and approaching mine. I felt your love heating up my heart and soaking me into memories. 

I looked for everything that carries your touch but places had chosen new faces and roads choose to lead to other destinations, yet I still only see the same destination they used to lead to. They betrayed my memory and had you dissolved within those changes. I hoped that they remain untouched by the years, to relive the same moments, to make life much easier when embracing you again in those memories. But things have changed and the places had misshaped the past and taken you away from my present. You are not here anymore to walk with me and I’m not the same person without you.

Those are the places that surrounded us when we were together and those are the places that surround me when you are gone. And between the places’ birth in our lives to the day I abandoned them, I walk them again deprived from you. Those places are my only physical links to a world I loved, to dreams I had and never saw in reality except in my mind. Roads that used to lead to an open space, now have dead ends. Houses that still carry the smell of innocent times, now are awkwardly shaped. But as I close my eyes and travel in my memories, I still can see your face on every corner and I still hear the places echoing your name. Only if you know how hard it is for me to prevent myself from screaming your name.

When the only certainty is change, then I fear the day my heart dwindles with time and decides to change on me, leaving me facing what I can’t experience. I fear that I might see the end of memories. To lose you twice while I’m left grasping for memories to fill my life, that will be the greatest loss of my life.  My love, I pray that my heart never beats without your name trembling me. I pray that your memories never stop fueling my heart and I pray that change forgets my path and leave me unchanged, untouched and madly in love with you.

Guards Falling Down

 Over the lonely years, my powers to relive our memories fade and at the end they exist intensely only when I’m down and unguarded. The moments when I’m the weakest and the moments when I’m physically exhausted and mentally drained those are the moments when my guards are shattered by longing to you. Those are the moments when my emotional famine screams for you and I hit the grounds. Where empty circles are my roads and shallow lanes are my grounds. Heads over heals is my life and a broken compass is my guide. Your emotions penetrating my veins and pouring your love in my blood stream releasing my imprisoned soul to cause havoc within. Causing the ups and downs, the rise and fall of nonstop longing paralyzing my senses and numbing my mind, My own opium that stirs years of love and unleash the magic within to mist my feelings and senses. Taking me to a detached reality, to another world where our hearts are joined and our eyes locked on each other. The magic of reviving your voice, echoing your laughter and the warmth of your breathe that comforts my soul with the miracle of me being in your arms and you pierce my darkness with your light.

That’s me when I’m drained, can’t walk tall any longer and stillness is my solace in your absence. Have I survived the sudden shrinking of my world, I end up with bitterness in heart and I sometimes cling to my sanity edge and watch my spirit departing me. And that’s my love is my altered sense of perception without you.

What’s with those moments of weakness when I just watch myself fall apart in your absence and struggle to put back the pieces together? You’ve always been the glue that kept me intact. And now when the heart moans for one more touch, one more whisper is when I know that falling will be the only option left for me. Days get tougher and nights get lonelier when I’m deprived from your scents. I crumble in weakness and long for that tenderness that used to wrap me in its warmth. I’ve been too addicted to your fingers running in my hair and your shoulders offering me the shelter that I desperately need. It has always been you, and that my lost love is what still lets me steer away from letting others offer me comfort.

Every time I fall, it takes me longer to recover, and harder to fight back the urge to stay down embracing the soothing warmth of the grounds, when I'm surrounded with nothing but you. Where I summon up my memories and close my eyes as time stands still and all my nostalgia are swallowed in these moments. Melting into the wilderness of my thoughts, watching hope fading into horizon and living and enormous loss that they make me feel so vulnerable and innocuous where I should remain silent and still. 

Only if I can dream at will again, you'll always be there.

Only if I can breathe again, your scent will always be there.

Only if I can hold you again, you'll always be there.

Only if I can live again, you'll always be there.

Only if and only you, that how it goes and that's how it's been and will always be.

My love, your love consumes me and your memories shall inherit me.

A day when the kid inside me needs you

It’s one of those days when I hit rock bottom and when the space between the skies and earth fits the needle head, it’s one of those days when the kid inside me screams for your words to calm the waves hitting wilderness inside my soul. When my heaves flame the skies and bring them down turning my universe into smoky vacuum. There is still a kid inside me who I had outgrown as I aged more in your absence, a kid that had been imprisoned inside my flesh refusing to grow without your warmth. A kid deprived from your nurturing touches and your breaths into the soul. A kid that shared all his life mysteries with you, laughed and cried with you, a kid that is desperately in need for you to color his world one more time and instills tranquility into his soul terrains.

It’s one of those days when I wander into my wilderness, you were there comforting me with your voice soothing my body shakes, a softening voice that makes violins weep, and offering me a new sky with stars, moon shining on me and a sun that exposes my demons and vanquishes them. It is in this day when I need you desperately, when I long for your endless emotions to fuel my life and nourish my soul with your tenderness, and now I look around me and find nothing but shadows closing up on me.

It’s one of those days when you used to calm me down, when you knew how to shake my doubts away, when you knew how to soak my tantrums and smoothly wrap me in your confidence. You had your way of sneaking into my sadness and breathing joy into it. And now when you are gone I can’t find my footsteps and can’t lead my way.

You were the constant in my life, the one thing that changes everything with your touch, empty my worries with your words and strengthen me with your trust in me. You were the only force pulling me out of my solitude and offering the lap to crumble within. And now as I face my emptiness without you at my side; I will shun the world and retreat to my solitude waiting for the storms to pass me by and offering condolences for the kid inside me.

It’s one of those days when I lament the day your shines abandoned me and warmed everyone but me. A day where I plea for the memories and the time that had been kind to me by crossing each other paths to revisit my tired heart and offer me the strength and hope I need. A day when the kid dreams about memories in his heart when you bestowed serenity in his soul.

Good Night My Love

This is one of those nights when silence provokes your memories, when a memory is no longer a recall of a distant past and I’m willingly swallowed back in time where things made sense and colors were meaningful.

It is a night when my heart doesn’t ask for a sanction to grieve and weep.

It is a night when I calmly surrender to grieve.

It is a night when I sleep knowing that my eyes are in distraught for you and my heart is withering in your absence.

I close my eyes and peacefully taste the grieve in my veins hoping that only dreams will moist a dry heart. 

Good night my love, I cannot turn back the time and cannot get the passed years to rewind,

I'll see you in my dreams tasting like honey and smelling like your wet hair.

I love you my love.

Daily Reminisces

I’ve tried ignoring my longings and stopped writing them down, what was meant to calm a trembled heart and neutralize my emotional surges ended with an addiction. My tranquilizer for severe longing times turned into having its own appetite for addiction, venting intensified my yearning and the few calm moments are followed by waves of longing. My heart is in desperate need of your love, pouring my heart out hadn’t made me love you any less; you are my own opium and your love sweetens the blood in my veins. I made my peace with myself and accepted that you are gone forever but I failed to turn ahead and fixed my eyes on you trailing memories.

It’s one of those times of the year when your longing invades me with full force, when the mere thought of you takes away my breath and your sweet memories paralyze me as I stagger and linger in memory lane. Fasting is a deprivation practice for the soul, yet despite mastering the senses and controlling the needs, I end up with stronger urges torching my longing to you, it feels like emptying my soul and letting your everlasting love conquering corners of my heart, my need to have you again in my life is multiplied and the desire for your voice heightened. The time of grace passed me by where the heavenly joy rained upon me and filled my heart with serenity. And now the memories convey years of perpetual yearning breaking me down. All those years and I still fail taming my love. I've mastered the art of control except for flames of scattered memories feeding my longing through my heart.

I foolishly tried to neglect your daily memories resurrections, I failed by willingly throwing myself into being consumed by memories. I gather the scattered memories that overcame me and live on then as my years spent already, I’m so much in love with you that I’m losing my strength and sleep. My delighted moments turned into sadness, as much as I love you as matched loneliness and agony fills me, the never ending love doubles the pain. If the heart cries, the tears drips shall pierce the remains of my heart.

Every now then the Flakes of memories shower down and for the briefest moment they travel me to distant days when a smile jumps my face for the sight of your name. That was the feeling before, but lately it’s been a recurring dejavu that keeps indulging me and taking me to the simplest happy things in my life when my world was complete and as beautiful as the sky draws its beauty from glittering stars.

I foolishly thought that I can block my past and live my life, locking the door for any future, and now I embrace the fact that I'll never live those times again and foolishly carry my past to accompany my present. Shackled with inability and denied to see the present although I can foresee the colorless future, my mind foolishly locked me in the past where I thought I could flee loneliness in my heart, if time hasn’t been just to me, then I’ve been willingly unjust to myself as well. Everything reminds me of you and everything starts and ends with you, I escape from you to you. I love you too much, how can I take other chances when I’m blinded by you.

Living with halves, half a heart, half a life, half a mind, half senses and wandering with my shadow as the one who’s alive and not living, where in your love I was alive and now I’m the lurking spirit.

Restless & Relentless

It was a day like today when I last saw you, when I closed my eyes for the last time protecting a life of memories. It was in that day when I held your hands, it's in these times when days spark the fire from one memory to the next heating up my heart and sweetening my days. That was the day when I sealed my heart and my eyes went shut and these are my days where every light is muted with your absence.

I’m blinded with memories which I refuse to release while walking in your moon light under a starless sky.

With your memories lingering with nights' shivers as seasons change their wardrobes and places take new shapes while I hold your love in the remains of my heart. Those are my blinded eyes that can never journey beyond your face.

Those are your memories storming hurricanes into my restless soul and driving all the longing with their winds. If all universe longings are more, mine are still surpassing.

Those are your memories that cheer the air and lift the spirit and these are my immortal days and nights my love.

I miss horribly you and I wish you a happy gergai’an my endless love.