At some point, future has to start somehow. Regardless of all factors and whether I contribute in it or not, it shall start at any point. Deny it? Won't work anymore. Trying to create the future itself, it doesn't work that way. Time shall keep running through me, I can't keep up with it anymore, lacking both motivation and energy. I wonder how's that going to end like. I catch my breathes and try to recollect my missing parts trying to obtain what once seemed to be a clear idea. As I watch it fly by me and imagining that it's just a pause to rest. Its actually starting without me when its about me!!
I keep thinking of how rusty my mind must be!! It can't pass a certain point, a certain way of life, and certain emotions. Is it really rusty or am I holding myself back? I've always been able to point out my destination and sculpt my plans. Always been able to think a mile ahead, but not anymore. How did I end up so much attached to the remains of the day? Damn you my dreams, you hooked me up with a fragile idea exposed by time, or was it exposed by itself? Maybe it couldn't take it anymore, couldn't contain it and had to break free.
Future has to start anyway, what used to be my future is no longer mine, what had to be my future is definitely not mine anymore. If future is starting everyday for someone at any given point of time, then today was my future at some vanished day. And today time has to balance it out by drawing a new future for me. I didn’t choose this layout and am not going to choose one now.
The ship has left the port and sailor's sight is aimed to a new horizon wondering about what shape shall this starting future form, either I keep hugging the shore or take the next leaving ship.
Is it time to start sailing to an unknown destination? Am I ready to cut myself loose.I choose to stay and watch you sail, as I am a bad swimmer. I choose to live it this way. If future has to start somehow, then it better start without me this time, as I had my share.
If this is all going to be just a memory then I am myself choose to be a standing memory, a milestone to an old future and a witness to the next future. I choose to live, not die, and this is how I choose to live.
your display pic hurts
ReplyDelete"I choose to live, not die, and this is how I choose to live."
ReplyDeleteDo we really chose to live or die ? if so.. why am i still here reading ur words in despair..
if i chose to die.. will i get my wish ? will my future ever be what it's supposed to be ? or is my future like my past.. tastless.. hurtful and beyond repair?
"Sloth"
ReplyDeleteYou get to choose to be dead among the living and to place your emotions in Antarctica, or you get to choose to go on carrying your memories with you as the journey continues.
I'm not in despair, just pouring my heart out so this longing is deflated to a limit which I can bear.
I'm grateful for the life I had in all of its sweetness & bitterness, and I'll always be grateful for the time I had and memories engraved in me. They resemble me and they are part of me and in a way they define my previous years. I'm not going to throw all that away and have a gap in my soul & life just to seek a peace of mind, when my memories both hurtful & pleasant turn to be sweet to me. And I embrace them with gratitude that I've lived to witness them.
What might seems like despair in the beginning of the post is enclosed with affirmative decision that future will shape the remains of my days, as I learned that it is not the outcome of my doings, rather I'm a passenger within it.
Well, someone once said "Trust in tomorrow, if it hasn't happened yet, it just may". You can choose to look at the whole white picture or immerse yourself into the black dots. Everything is balanced in order to keep life going, so your future will balance it out somehow, someday. And what seems to be beyond repair is going to be a remedy for an anguish heart.